Remedies Anyone?

Does anyone know the cure for the broken heart? It's one of the many pains I had to endure lately.

Yesterday night, I came to the conclusion that Jin is annoyed by me. He doesn't speak much until I ask him to, but then he calls me and sits there quietly. Why is that?

I've asked him, "Why do you bother calling me you're just going to sit there and not say a word? What's the point? And why do I have to get the conversation flowing?"

We both have seperate lives and seperate duties so I do understand that our schedules conflict with each other. Which leads to this problem. I tend to keep him on the phone longer than he wants to be. When he wants to go I keep him for an extra one to five minutes. I can't help it... I just miss him so I want to hear his voice a little longer.

He's been having hives for approximately two days so he's been very edgy with me lately. Two nights ago, he was whiny and snapping at me for about two hours, but I've done that to him also. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just told him I'm going to need my space for a while since we're both so annoyed by each other.

Yesterday morning, he was acting the same way, on edge. I've been extra patient with him, but until yesterday night. I started to get this headache because I didn't eat much the entire day, and it was right after a jog with my nephew. I started to feel faint, and I was starting to see colors. I don't really know why, but I was being so fucking obnoxious. Basically, I wanted him to waitor on me. I asked him to find me two Chinese pop songs. He made a big deal out of it like it was looking for an ancient treasure or something.

At the end of the night, he snapped at me. He told me that when he needed to get off the phone, I need to stop being so clingy. It's because his bluetooth died and so the phone was radiating onto his face. I don't know why a little bit of heat from a phone could make someone say those things. I didn't bother to defend myself since I was so hurt. I felt defeated. Why would he say such mean things to me? After I got off the phone, he started to text me and IM me on AIM to apologize, but sometimes you cannot take back your words. I can't just stop feeling hurt when you want to apologize.

Over a small amount of time, I concluded that most of our conversations, I am the one talking and being annoying. Maybe he should re-prioritize his thoughts before continuing our relationship. I don't need him to say hurtful truths. After a short while, I just needed to sleep so the pain could just lay dormant. He tried to talk to me when I was trying to sleep, but the more he apologized the more I just wanted silence. I slept for two hours.

When I woke up, the first person I needed was Jin. I called Jin and went back to sleep. After a short nap, I decided to wake up and talk to a few friends for a couple of hours. During the time I woke up, he went to sleep. The phone just laid there for hours, and I didn't bother to even touch it. During this time I spoke to Paul, Jim, Leslie, Maurice, and Jay.

Tired as I was I decided to sleep. Before my nap, my mind went blank and before I knew it my thoughts of ending the relationship came back. I can't go every two weeks and having a major fight or feeling badly for what's being done in the relationship. I texted him about getting his own space and mine. I fell asleep.

He called me 9:45 A.M. Eastern time to wake me up for school. He told me he woke up and was sad and crying to my text messages. He kept saying, "I love you," but I was being unresponsive. I just woke up feeling sad, lonely and miserable. He left for class.

I sat here writing for an hour, and he just called me back. Immediately, I started to feel bad again. I hated that feeling. Everytime I heard his voice, it triggered more pain. At that moment, I just had to hang up the phone because I couldn't control my feelings.

Will we make it through this? You just text me. You should know the answer. Maybe you need to contemplate your thoughts before approaching me without answers. How far are we planning to go for each other? Ask yourself how much can you tolerate me and then you'll figure out your answer. Love is only love when it's unconditional, and at this point I don't see unconditional. I see a meaningless on going war. Wars should always be ended. No more casualties please.