Dramas are Drawn to Me

So... I counted my blogs and I've made about three blogs this month... SO SAD! Ugh, where does time fly?

So let's start off with this afternoon. I woke up talking to Miss Jay, and she's having her birthday party today, so happy birthday! Then I tried to skip work by just not showing up. I thought they wouldn't notice if I was absent since there are so many people there working already. Sadly, that's so untrue since I'm the star worker there. So I figured that I'd give my baby Mr. J a call and finally speak to him mouth to mouth. Err, we spoke about nonsense, and once again he's eating with his sexy grandma. Oh that sexy beast, she must have been wild in her youth. Rawrrrrr at granny!

So when I got to work there was all this drama going on. People have been quitting so much because everyone's annoyed with all the customers and long hours. So I came into the store and I heard that all the managers have been arguing all day. I just got a 5 second talk from my boss because I was two or three hours late to work. As usual, I knew how to be cute to get myself out of jams. Yay for the pretty!

Then while at work, I was given the table at the very front of the store to fold and then create a new display for it. As usual, I'm OCD about how things look, and must do the best job to outshine everyone. It was the best table in the entire store. I folded T-shirts for 2 hours and I was at the brink of killing myself. I had to hone down every girl/old lady and ask for their size and color they like. Ironically, everyone's a small today... People need to figure out what size they need to wear to look good. No one's going to look at your tag to see your fucking size. Then before my break, I had constant black customers coming up to me, messing up my table. I asked them for their size about 50 times, but it's expected that niggers are the most ignorant and dumbest race. I didn't have the patience for them. I wanted to clock out, punch their faces, and clock back into work. It was lucky for them that it was my break time or else I'd lose it in a couple more minutes.

When I came back from break, we were just cleaning the store lightly, but everyone was at their last nerve and a few arguments brewed up. We started to have conversations about cocksucking and how it's completely disgusting. Funny how all the girls said it was gross and all the guys in their kept quiet. I think all men want their dick suck regardless of what women think.

When I got home, I ate two whopper jr. burgers and was already getting sleepy. No my meal was like so light in weight, and I wasn't getting food coma. I had a talk with Jin about what he's doing tomorrow. When I woke up the phone was still on and I hung up to call him back because I fell asleep on him. He woke up and had alternatios to his plans so I just didn't give a fuck about his last minute changes and told him that I wanted space, so I'm not talking to him today. Then I went on AIM and vented to Mr. J.

Paul's been calling me five or six times per day lately. I don't know what he's trying to do but I haven't had the time to talk to him so I've been ignoring all his phone calls. So tonight Paul called me, and the first thing I spoke to him about was Jason, my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend lately, and then I asked for his input.

He said, "Well, I don't think I'm the person to change your emotions for your ex-boyfriend. Either get over it or go back, but I'm not the person to point that out."

There was a reason why I wanted to ask him this question because it just points out where his feelings lie. Then I told him his response was too formal and unfamiliar. I told him if a stranger told me something like that I would tell them the exact same thing. Paul got depressed because of how I felt about his answer and my emotions for my ex-boyfriend had arise again. I just didn't want to be misleading. In a way, I was hinting that I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend so he could move on. I don't like to reject someone more than once because it makes me feel shitty on the inside.

After speaking for a while, I told him that it's been awhile since we both met, and I still don't know who he is. If I took the cutesy trait from his personality there wouldn't be anything else that would make him an interesting person. He said he agreed and asked me what I wanted from him. I told him if he was able to express himself to me then I would be less frustrated. He just kept inhaling and exhaling for a long time. He tried to express his feelings into words, but it couldn't come out. There were constant shudders in his speech. I think he was mixed with several feelings of confusion, frustration, and disappointment.

I was glad that I made such an impact onto him tonight even though the talk was long and emotional for Paul. Finally, we spoke about why I rejected him several months ago. He's too bland and uninteresting. What more do I need to say? He doesn't know how to portray his feelings into words. He told me tonight that he doesn't like to take risks and he likes to stay cute because it's second nature to him and to avoid confrontation. I told him that if he wants to ask someone out then he needs to take those risks regardless of the outcome. I also called him a selfish and inconsiderate person for trying to make me put out my feelings.

Then Paul told me that if I asked him out then he would go out with me. At that point, I wanted to give him a second chance because some people should earn their second chance. I told him that he has a limited time to prove his feelings for me. He has to mature under a short time span until my patience run low. I think some people deserve second chances only if they can prove themselves. I don't know what he has planned, but I just think it's going to be another failure. I told him that I didn't want to ask him out officially because of the formal answer he just gave me about not being the person to alternate my feelings. It just gives me a good sense of where we are. I also told him we're not ready for each other so I don't want to add him to my list of failure relationships. We'll just see what happens, but I'm pretty sure the outcome is predictable.

Crappy Thoughts

It's one of those nights again... I'm sitting here thinking about Jason. At first, I just took a glance at his profile because I've deleted all his pictures already, then I started to think about why I even love him. He's just like everyone else so I couldn't figure out what made him stick out. The further I went into thinking, the sadder I became until I had to call Jin to just hear somebody's voice to comfort me. I called Jin, but it's 6:00 A.M. his time. He picks up the phone but barely answers. As expected though because I'm being so unreasonable calling him at such late hours. Still, I'm sitting here knowing that there's no one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on so to speak. There's no one that would happily be there 24/7 for me. It's been more apparent to me lately, hence I always told myself that truth. Maybe I have grown bitter from passed relationships, and there's no one that I would want to trust.

It's just obvious to me that I'm still not over Jason because just looking at his picture makes me cry inside. I'm not comfortable telling my friends such intimate things or even less with family for that matter. I don't know when I'll be ready to open myself up again. I think my the passed relationship that Jason and I shared really screwed me up. I feel like a stalker looking at his picture this late in the middle of the night. I don't know anymore... I don't know if restricting myself from him is ever enough. I have been thinking of him less and less. Weeks go by without a single thought about him, but the last few days I just wanted to text him Merry Christmas. It's not about the text, but it's about why I'm texting him so I didn't text him. I think I'm still lingering to hold onto him some how. I could still remember his phone number, screen name, and many other ways to contact him even though it's been physically destroyed. Sadly, I still remember that Jason and I spent this last day together, and I broke up with him at 4:00 A.M. on December 27th, 2007. That's probably my mind reminding me that it's really over.

The last few days have been very blissful because I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything for three days. I didn't have any responsibilities or drama from people. I will remember this year's birthday and Christmas as a very good one.

*Note for friends: I haven't been depressed. I've just been overworked with working overtime. I have reasons for working so much, and there's no point in talking me out of it. I'm sorry to anyone that I haven't been in contact with or even bothered to reply. I'm going through a difficult phase when time flies by so fast. I'm trying to get rid of some feelings for someone that's very important to me, but somehow I believe I'm lying to myself by still talking to thatperson. Anyways, I know I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself so I'm apologizing to all of those people who cared enough to ask me how I am. I'm sorry if I didn't write back or showed you that I didn't care. Just know that I do care. Good night

Random Events

I haven't been writing blogs lately, and I've been keeping myself secluded from my friends and family. Not really much of a conversationalist either since I broke up with Jin. I feel a bit empty lately but it's not much of a bother to me. I can't really put my finger on it, but I've lost a bit of a desire for life. I don' know what I want in life anymore so maybe it's okay to feel empty for now. I have been outside everyday interacting with people, but they're not someone I would feel comfortable sharing my dating problems with.

I've been piling myself up with work, and avoiding the party scene like always because I feel like I should try to be more productive than to be wasting my life away into depression. That's just how I see it, but some people beg to differ. Just because of a break up it doesn't mean i should go drink. I just don't feel like going out to be social anymore. Maybe I've been a hermit for quite sometime, and I can't break out of my comfort zone. Sounds funny since I work in retail, and I meet people daily.

Since I broke up with Jin, we've been talking without the affection. Most of the time it's pretty straight forward conversations. I could see that he's careless in his words, and he would argue back with me lately. It's a progessive step towards getting over me, but it sucks to having to witness it. I've been very grouchy as well, but it's because I haven't been talking to anyone about my problems. I wouldn't know what to say either. I think I'm mad at myself for wanting to be single even though everyone wants to be in a relationship.

Tonight I had a fight with Jin about how I treat him unfairly, but my argument is that he doesn't deserve me to be rational or fair towards him since he doesn't treat me that way either. Maybe I'm bitter, but it's better to not being taken advantage of. I told him to go find someone else to talk to, and I hope they find happiness together. After that I don't rememeber what else happened because I knocked out. I was stressed out from work earlier and wanted to just to go home and sleep, but he had to drag me into an argument on one of the nights that I'm overly-exhausted. Sort of a low blow don't you think?

Work's been stressful lately because it's holiday times and we have to bust out ass even more because people are buying more clothes. Everyone's grouchy and on their edge. My boss and I also argued today because she called me into work 30 minutes before work started and I didn't pick up the phone. The rule is if she doesn't call me before an hour than I'm safe. I don't have that sort of availability for work and it's not my job to sit by the phone for two or three hours for her to call me. It takes 30 seconds to call someone and tell them to come to work. Get it through her mind, but in the end she got over it, and I just didn't give a crap. I cleaned up half the store even though there were five workers and filled in five walls of jeans, size order and censored.

Jin Jin Chubby Butt!

This blog is dedicated to you my Chubby Jin Jin.

This is probably the last blog I'm going to directly write to you, and I will take my time to write them.

Even though we had a lot of drama in our relationship, it meant everything to me for the last four and a half months. I understand tonight was a really tough night for us, and I just wanted to thank you for showing me that you love me. It's not easy to open yourself up to someone and fall in love with them, just like it's not easy to write these words down. My heads still pounding, but it's not as severe as three hours ago.

I've been watching "Paris Hilton's: My New BFF" for a while now to get my mind off what just happened between us. I don't want to give you that cliche speech about how great of a guy you are and how lucky your future boyfriend(s) are to have you, but I can't leave that out. You really are someone special. You're like a gem I found in the bottom of the ocean, or a meteorite that fell down from the sky. Life still feels very surreal as I'm writing this to you. I've grown to be dependent on your love, and now it's no longer here.

Thank you for the last four months. I'll never forget it. Along with that being said, I'll never forget the promises I made you either. The main obsticle that we face daily is distance. On top of that, we have conflicting schedules, and it makes everything harder to maintain a healthy relationship. I know you want to go back to two weeks ago when things weren't so rocky, and we were still very affectionate to each other, but you always have to look forward to make the best of things.

I know you gave me your heart, and I took good care of it until tonight. I'm sorry that I let you down. I've been trying to end things for awhile now, but I was caught up in the fear of hurting you. I made a realization tonight that even though I'm trying to protect you from the truth, I'll hurt you even more if I prolonged this relationship. I will always care for you, and I hope you would take care of yourself.

I didn't want to talk to you after the break up because it's far too soon to talk. I know all we do is talk and breaking up and continue talking seems pretty senseless to me. I know you never had a chance with any of your ex-boyfriends to talk after a relationship, and I don't want you to lose hope in being friends with me because of that. You're not different from anyone else, but maybe you met the wrong guys to become ex-boyfriends with. Maybe we're closing one chapter and opening up another chapter into our lives. Just because we're apart now doesn't mean we won't meet up in the future.

And lastly, please don't do anything harmful to yourself. You mean a great deal to me, and it would devastate me if anything happens to you because of me. I know hurt you emotionally, but I just don't think the timing and setting are right for either of us. If there are times when you are depressed or need to talk then you know who where I am. I hope I could help you heal the wound that I inflicted onto you. I don't expect you to forgive me or even to forget what I did to you, but try to move on. This is our last night together, and I'm going to say this one last time. Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you. Take care of yourself chubby. Nha nha.