For so many sleepless nights I lie awake thinking of you, and for those nights I have slept, I dreamt of you. You are truly an irreplaceable, and yet, I wish it was possible to replace you. It's been over a year, and still, I love you. Tonight is the night when I want to be hold by you the most. To just feel your touch once more, to look into your eyes, and tell there was never a moment when I stopped thinking about you. I can't explain what has been keeping me so deeply in love with you for all the times you had forsaken me, but it all doesn't matter. What matters the most is you. You are all I ever needed in life. I know that there's still some hope for the both of us, but it's so dim. I know that it's not love if there's only one person as well. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't I just tell you that I love you without consequences? And during that moment, that's when time freezes for us. And during that moment when I do, we will feel whole again. And during that moment, I will hold onto you for dear life.
I wish were true but it's not. I miss you so much in the last year that I am overwhelmed with grief. I'm sorry I had to leave you at the very end when you offered me your friendship, but I can't watch you be with another lover. To know that place in your heart that was once reserved for me is now reserved for somebody else. For that very reason, I am truly sorry. There is no reason that would justify my actions, and for that, I carry this guilt with me each day. I know that I'm a coward because I'm scared to face the truth. I want to live in my fantasy just a little longer... because that's where I feel the most safe. Because when I'm there, I don't have any worries of losing you, but instead, we'll always be together.
For all that it's worth, I wish you well. I always will wish you well...
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Letters to the Boys
I've been sitting here on MTV.com and "watching Making the Band 4," and I'm so sad that stupid P. Diddy split up the group. He forced the blame on Aubrey because she seems to speak her mind. So what if she's raunchy or hoeish? I think the careers of most celebrities are mixed in with alcohol, drugs, and prostitution. What is different with her that P. Diddy has't seen in the other celebrities of his time? If she chooses to be a slut, then let her be a slut.
Anyways, I didn't get my shut eye all night, and it might make me a cranky camper today. Hope to GOD that Jin doesn't do something stupid to piss me off. I wish there was just one day when he would just make me completely happy without any drama. So after watching Kanity Kane's group split up from five people to now three, it got me to think about my life. Where am I going with it? School is starting on Monday, and I couldn't care less. I think I'm still tired from school and work. Maybe my vacation wasn't really a vacation since I spent most of the time working. I want to be single so badly, but my emotions are holding me back. Yes, I am officially single, but there are two guys that are always talking to me or asking me to go see them.
To Jin:
I don't know when the next time you're going to come to California, and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to see you since our break up. It feels like a very light break up because my feelings for you have died down a lot. I don't feel the need to be sexual or overly affectionate with you anymore. It could be phase or it could just be that I'm accepting things for how they are. I appreciate the time that you spend with me; trust me I do. Why else would I sit here tonight thinking about things?
To Paul:
I must say you've held out your feelings for me for quite sometime now, and they seem to grow more each day rather than dying down. It's a surprise you're still interested in me because most people would just quit. You've taken major steps to open yourself up to me even though you haven't done that for anyone else. I feel like I've held your hand though the last couple of months to figure out how to come out of your comfort zone, express yourself freely, and knowing what happiness means to you. It has come to a point where I'm going to let go to see if you could do this on your own because it's always been a one sided relationship with you. You always want me to do everything and you to do nothing. You want the fairy tale romance, but it's not realistic. I want an equal relationship, and I've been disappointed by so many guys that has said they can provide that but has come up short on more than one occasion. It's nice to have the truth from you, but it's time that you should take a shot at being a man and not a housewife. So much to write down, but I don't know if it's going to help. It just seems pointless to keep writing so I'm going to stop and let you figure things out on your own. I am also confused about what is going on in your mind.
To myself:
I need actual space from relationships in general. I just don't want to deal with them. I keep telling myself to let go, but that would just be too weak willed. I don't want to let go so easily because holding on is so difficult. I don't want to kick my butt in the future, telling myself that I let a rare opportunity slip through my fingers because I wasn't persistant enough. I will try to hold on for a little longer, but until then I really need my space. I dream about it and I think about it at night. Things are going so well with everyone, but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to escape reality and live a day without worries. There are too many worries in my life already, and it always seems like I'm adding onto a neverending amount of stress that's been there since I started to date. Things are so unclear. I just hope things will be better and not worse.
Anyways, I didn't get my shut eye all night, and it might make me a cranky camper today. Hope to GOD that Jin doesn't do something stupid to piss me off. I wish there was just one day when he would just make me completely happy without any drama. So after watching Kanity Kane's group split up from five people to now three, it got me to think about my life. Where am I going with it? School is starting on Monday, and I couldn't care less. I think I'm still tired from school and work. Maybe my vacation wasn't really a vacation since I spent most of the time working. I want to be single so badly, but my emotions are holding me back. Yes, I am officially single, but there are two guys that are always talking to me or asking me to go see them.
To Jin:
I don't know when the next time you're going to come to California, and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to see you since our break up. It feels like a very light break up because my feelings for you have died down a lot. I don't feel the need to be sexual or overly affectionate with you anymore. It could be phase or it could just be that I'm accepting things for how they are. I appreciate the time that you spend with me; trust me I do. Why else would I sit here tonight thinking about things?
To Paul:
I must say you've held out your feelings for me for quite sometime now, and they seem to grow more each day rather than dying down. It's a surprise you're still interested in me because most people would just quit. You've taken major steps to open yourself up to me even though you haven't done that for anyone else. I feel like I've held your hand though the last couple of months to figure out how to come out of your comfort zone, express yourself freely, and knowing what happiness means to you. It has come to a point where I'm going to let go to see if you could do this on your own because it's always been a one sided relationship with you. You always want me to do everything and you to do nothing. You want the fairy tale romance, but it's not realistic. I want an equal relationship, and I've been disappointed by so many guys that has said they can provide that but has come up short on more than one occasion. It's nice to have the truth from you, but it's time that you should take a shot at being a man and not a housewife. So much to write down, but I don't know if it's going to help. It just seems pointless to keep writing so I'm going to stop and let you figure things out on your own. I am also confused about what is going on in your mind.
To myself:
I need actual space from relationships in general. I just don't want to deal with them. I keep telling myself to let go, but that would just be too weak willed. I don't want to let go so easily because holding on is so difficult. I don't want to kick my butt in the future, telling myself that I let a rare opportunity slip through my fingers because I wasn't persistant enough. I will try to hold on for a little longer, but until then I really need my space. I dream about it and I think about it at night. Things are going so well with everyone, but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to escape reality and live a day without worries. There are too many worries in my life already, and it always seems like I'm adding onto a neverending amount of stress that's been there since I started to date. Things are so unclear. I just hope things will be better and not worse.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Dramas are Drawn to Me
So... I counted my blogs and I've made about three blogs this month... SO SAD! Ugh, where does time fly?
So let's start off with this afternoon. I woke up talking to Miss Jay, and she's having her birthday party today, so happy birthday! Then I tried to skip work by just not showing up. I thought they wouldn't notice if I was absent since there are so many people there working already. Sadly, that's so untrue since I'm the star worker there. So I figured that I'd give my baby Mr. J a call and finally speak to him mouth to mouth. Err, we spoke about nonsense, and once again he's eating with his sexy grandma. Oh that sexy beast, she must have been wild in her youth. Rawrrrrr at granny!
So when I got to work there was all this drama going on. People have been quitting so much because everyone's annoyed with all the customers and long hours. So I came into the store and I heard that all the managers have been arguing all day. I just got a 5 second talk from my boss because I was two or three hours late to work. As usual, I knew how to be cute to get myself out of jams. Yay for the pretty!
Then while at work, I was given the table at the very front of the store to fold and then create a new display for it. As usual, I'm OCD about how things look, and must do the best job to outshine everyone. It was the best table in the entire store. I folded T-shirts for 2 hours and I was at the brink of killing myself. I had to hone down every girl/old lady and ask for their size and color they like. Ironically, everyone's a small today... People need to figure out what size they need to wear to look good. No one's going to look at your tag to see your fucking size. Then before my break, I had constant black customers coming up to me, messing up my table. I asked them for their size about 50 times, but it's expected that niggers are the most ignorant and dumbest race. I didn't have the patience for them. I wanted to clock out, punch their faces, and clock back into work. It was lucky for them that it was my break time or else I'd lose it in a couple more minutes.
When I came back from break, we were just cleaning the store lightly, but everyone was at their last nerve and a few arguments brewed up. We started to have conversations about cocksucking and how it's completely disgusting. Funny how all the girls said it was gross and all the guys in their kept quiet. I think all men want their dick suck regardless of what women think.
When I got home, I ate two whopper jr. burgers and was already getting sleepy. No my meal was like so light in weight, and I wasn't getting food coma. I had a talk with Jin about what he's doing tomorrow. When I woke up the phone was still on and I hung up to call him back because I fell asleep on him. He woke up and had alternatios to his plans so I just didn't give a fuck about his last minute changes and told him that I wanted space, so I'm not talking to him today. Then I went on AIM and vented to Mr. J.
Paul's been calling me five or six times per day lately. I don't know what he's trying to do but I haven't had the time to talk to him so I've been ignoring all his phone calls. So tonight Paul called me, and the first thing I spoke to him about was Jason, my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend lately, and then I asked for his input.
He said, "Well, I don't think I'm the person to change your emotions for your ex-boyfriend. Either get over it or go back, but I'm not the person to point that out."
There was a reason why I wanted to ask him this question because it just points out where his feelings lie. Then I told him his response was too formal and unfamiliar. I told him if a stranger told me something like that I would tell them the exact same thing. Paul got depressed because of how I felt about his answer and my emotions for my ex-boyfriend had arise again. I just didn't want to be misleading. In a way, I was hinting that I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend so he could move on. I don't like to reject someone more than once because it makes me feel shitty on the inside.
After speaking for a while, I told him that it's been awhile since we both met, and I still don't know who he is. If I took the cutesy trait from his personality there wouldn't be anything else that would make him an interesting person. He said he agreed and asked me what I wanted from him. I told him if he was able to express himself to me then I would be less frustrated. He just kept inhaling and exhaling for a long time. He tried to express his feelings into words, but it couldn't come out. There were constant shudders in his speech. I think he was mixed with several feelings of confusion, frustration, and disappointment.
I was glad that I made such an impact onto him tonight even though the talk was long and emotional for Paul. Finally, we spoke about why I rejected him several months ago. He's too bland and uninteresting. What more do I need to say? He doesn't know how to portray his feelings into words. He told me tonight that he doesn't like to take risks and he likes to stay cute because it's second nature to him and to avoid confrontation. I told him that if he wants to ask someone out then he needs to take those risks regardless of the outcome. I also called him a selfish and inconsiderate person for trying to make me put out my feelings.
Then Paul told me that if I asked him out then he would go out with me. At that point, I wanted to give him a second chance because some people should earn their second chance. I told him that he has a limited time to prove his feelings for me. He has to mature under a short time span until my patience run low. I think some people deserve second chances only if they can prove themselves. I don't know what he has planned, but I just think it's going to be another failure. I told him that I didn't want to ask him out officially because of the formal answer he just gave me about not being the person to alternate my feelings. It just gives me a good sense of where we are. I also told him we're not ready for each other so I don't want to add him to my list of failure relationships. We'll just see what happens, but I'm pretty sure the outcome is predictable.
So let's start off with this afternoon. I woke up talking to Miss Jay, and she's having her birthday party today, so happy birthday! Then I tried to skip work by just not showing up. I thought they wouldn't notice if I was absent since there are so many people there working already. Sadly, that's so untrue since I'm the star worker there. So I figured that I'd give my baby Mr. J a call and finally speak to him mouth to mouth. Err, we spoke about nonsense, and once again he's eating with his sexy grandma. Oh that sexy beast, she must have been wild in her youth. Rawrrrrr at granny!
So when I got to work there was all this drama going on. People have been quitting so much because everyone's annoyed with all the customers and long hours. So I came into the store and I heard that all the managers have been arguing all day. I just got a 5 second talk from my boss because I was two or three hours late to work. As usual, I knew how to be cute to get myself out of jams. Yay for the pretty!
Then while at work, I was given the table at the very front of the store to fold and then create a new display for it. As usual, I'm OCD about how things look, and must do the best job to outshine everyone. It was the best table in the entire store. I folded T-shirts for 2 hours and I was at the brink of killing myself. I had to hone down every girl/old lady and ask for their size and color they like. Ironically, everyone's a small today... People need to figure out what size they need to wear to look good. No one's going to look at your tag to see your fucking size. Then before my break, I had constant black customers coming up to me, messing up my table. I asked them for their size about 50 times, but it's expected that niggers are the most ignorant and dumbest race. I didn't have the patience for them. I wanted to clock out, punch their faces, and clock back into work. It was lucky for them that it was my break time or else I'd lose it in a couple more minutes.
When I came back from break, we were just cleaning the store lightly, but everyone was at their last nerve and a few arguments brewed up. We started to have conversations about cocksucking and how it's completely disgusting. Funny how all the girls said it was gross and all the guys in their kept quiet. I think all men want their dick suck regardless of what women think.
When I got home, I ate two whopper jr. burgers and was already getting sleepy. No my meal was like so light in weight, and I wasn't getting food coma. I had a talk with Jin about what he's doing tomorrow. When I woke up the phone was still on and I hung up to call him back because I fell asleep on him. He woke up and had alternatios to his plans so I just didn't give a fuck about his last minute changes and told him that I wanted space, so I'm not talking to him today. Then I went on AIM and vented to Mr. J.
Paul's been calling me five or six times per day lately. I don't know what he's trying to do but I haven't had the time to talk to him so I've been ignoring all his phone calls. So tonight Paul called me, and the first thing I spoke to him about was Jason, my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend lately, and then I asked for his input.
He said, "Well, I don't think I'm the person to change your emotions for your ex-boyfriend. Either get over it or go back, but I'm not the person to point that out."
There was a reason why I wanted to ask him this question because it just points out where his feelings lie. Then I told him his response was too formal and unfamiliar. I told him if a stranger told me something like that I would tell them the exact same thing. Paul got depressed because of how I felt about his answer and my emotions for my ex-boyfriend had arise again. I just didn't want to be misleading. In a way, I was hinting that I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend so he could move on. I don't like to reject someone more than once because it makes me feel shitty on the inside.
After speaking for a while, I told him that it's been awhile since we both met, and I still don't know who he is. If I took the cutesy trait from his personality there wouldn't be anything else that would make him an interesting person. He said he agreed and asked me what I wanted from him. I told him if he was able to express himself to me then I would be less frustrated. He just kept inhaling and exhaling for a long time. He tried to express his feelings into words, but it couldn't come out. There were constant shudders in his speech. I think he was mixed with several feelings of confusion, frustration, and disappointment.
I was glad that I made such an impact onto him tonight even though the talk was long and emotional for Paul. Finally, we spoke about why I rejected him several months ago. He's too bland and uninteresting. What more do I need to say? He doesn't know how to portray his feelings into words. He told me tonight that he doesn't like to take risks and he likes to stay cute because it's second nature to him and to avoid confrontation. I told him that if he wants to ask someone out then he needs to take those risks regardless of the outcome. I also called him a selfish and inconsiderate person for trying to make me put out my feelings.
Then Paul told me that if I asked him out then he would go out with me. At that point, I wanted to give him a second chance because some people should earn their second chance. I told him that he has a limited time to prove his feelings for me. He has to mature under a short time span until my patience run low. I think some people deserve second chances only if they can prove themselves. I don't know what he has planned, but I just think it's going to be another failure. I told him that I didn't want to ask him out officially because of the formal answer he just gave me about not being the person to alternate my feelings. It just gives me a good sense of where we are. I also told him we're not ready for each other so I don't want to add him to my list of failure relationships. We'll just see what happens, but I'm pretty sure the outcome is predictable.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Crappy Thoughts
It's one of those nights again... I'm sitting here thinking about Jason. At first, I just took a glance at his profile because I've deleted all his pictures already, then I started to think about why I even love him. He's just like everyone else so I couldn't figure out what made him stick out. The further I went into thinking, the sadder I became until I had to call Jin to just hear somebody's voice to comfort me. I called Jin, but it's 6:00 A.M. his time. He picks up the phone but barely answers. As expected though because I'm being so unreasonable calling him at such late hours. Still, I'm sitting here knowing that there's no one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on so to speak. There's no one that would happily be there 24/7 for me. It's been more apparent to me lately, hence I always told myself that truth. Maybe I have grown bitter from passed relationships, and there's no one that I would want to trust.
It's just obvious to me that I'm still not over Jason because just looking at his picture makes me cry inside. I'm not comfortable telling my friends such intimate things or even less with family for that matter. I don't know when I'll be ready to open myself up again. I think my the passed relationship that Jason and I shared really screwed me up. I feel like a stalker looking at his picture this late in the middle of the night. I don't know anymore... I don't know if restricting myself from him is ever enough. I have been thinking of him less and less. Weeks go by without a single thought about him, but the last few days I just wanted to text him Merry Christmas. It's not about the text, but it's about why I'm texting him so I didn't text him. I think I'm still lingering to hold onto him some how. I could still remember his phone number, screen name, and many other ways to contact him even though it's been physically destroyed. Sadly, I still remember that Jason and I spent this last day together, and I broke up with him at 4:00 A.M. on December 27th, 2007. That's probably my mind reminding me that it's really over.
The last few days have been very blissful because I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything for three days. I didn't have any responsibilities or drama from people. I will remember this year's birthday and Christmas as a very good one.
*Note for friends: I haven't been depressed. I've just been overworked with working overtime. I have reasons for working so much, and there's no point in talking me out of it. I'm sorry to anyone that I haven't been in contact with or even bothered to reply. I'm going through a difficult phase when time flies by so fast. I'm trying to get rid of some feelings for someone that's very important to me, but somehow I believe I'm lying to myself by still talking to thatperson. Anyways, I know I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself so I'm apologizing to all of those people who cared enough to ask me how I am. I'm sorry if I didn't write back or showed you that I didn't care. Just know that I do care. Good night
It's just obvious to me that I'm still not over Jason because just looking at his picture makes me cry inside. I'm not comfortable telling my friends such intimate things or even less with family for that matter. I don't know when I'll be ready to open myself up again. I think my the passed relationship that Jason and I shared really screwed me up. I feel like a stalker looking at his picture this late in the middle of the night. I don't know anymore... I don't know if restricting myself from him is ever enough. I have been thinking of him less and less. Weeks go by without a single thought about him, but the last few days I just wanted to text him Merry Christmas. It's not about the text, but it's about why I'm texting him so I didn't text him. I think I'm still lingering to hold onto him some how. I could still remember his phone number, screen name, and many other ways to contact him even though it's been physically destroyed. Sadly, I still remember that Jason and I spent this last day together, and I broke up with him at 4:00 A.M. on December 27th, 2007. That's probably my mind reminding me that it's really over.
The last few days have been very blissful because I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything for three days. I didn't have any responsibilities or drama from people. I will remember this year's birthday and Christmas as a very good one.
*Note for friends: I haven't been depressed. I've just been overworked with working overtime. I have reasons for working so much, and there's no point in talking me out of it. I'm sorry to anyone that I haven't been in contact with or even bothered to reply. I'm going through a difficult phase when time flies by so fast. I'm trying to get rid of some feelings for someone that's very important to me, but somehow I believe I'm lying to myself by still talking to thatperson. Anyways, I know I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself so I'm apologizing to all of those people who cared enough to ask me how I am. I'm sorry if I didn't write back or showed you that I didn't care. Just know that I do care. Good night
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Random Events
I haven't been writing blogs lately, and I've been keeping myself secluded from my friends and family. Not really much of a conversationalist either since I broke up with Jin. I feel a bit empty lately but it's not much of a bother to me. I can't really put my finger on it, but I've lost a bit of a desire for life. I don' know what I want in life anymore so maybe it's okay to feel empty for now. I have been outside everyday interacting with people, but they're not someone I would feel comfortable sharing my dating problems with.
I've been piling myself up with work, and avoiding the party scene like always because I feel like I should try to be more productive than to be wasting my life away into depression. That's just how I see it, but some people beg to differ. Just because of a break up it doesn't mean i should go drink. I just don't feel like going out to be social anymore. Maybe I've been a hermit for quite sometime, and I can't break out of my comfort zone. Sounds funny since I work in retail, and I meet people daily.
Since I broke up with Jin, we've been talking without the affection. Most of the time it's pretty straight forward conversations. I could see that he's careless in his words, and he would argue back with me lately. It's a progessive step towards getting over me, but it sucks to having to witness it. I've been very grouchy as well, but it's because I haven't been talking to anyone about my problems. I wouldn't know what to say either. I think I'm mad at myself for wanting to be single even though everyone wants to be in a relationship.
Tonight I had a fight with Jin about how I treat him unfairly, but my argument is that he doesn't deserve me to be rational or fair towards him since he doesn't treat me that way either. Maybe I'm bitter, but it's better to not being taken advantage of. I told him to go find someone else to talk to, and I hope they find happiness together. After that I don't rememeber what else happened because I knocked out. I was stressed out from work earlier and wanted to just to go home and sleep, but he had to drag me into an argument on one of the nights that I'm overly-exhausted. Sort of a low blow don't you think?
Work's been stressful lately because it's holiday times and we have to bust out ass even more because people are buying more clothes. Everyone's grouchy and on their edge. My boss and I also argued today because she called me into work 30 minutes before work started and I didn't pick up the phone. The rule is if she doesn't call me before an hour than I'm safe. I don't have that sort of availability for work and it's not my job to sit by the phone for two or three hours for her to call me. It takes 30 seconds to call someone and tell them to come to work. Get it through her mind, but in the end she got over it, and I just didn't give a crap. I cleaned up half the store even though there were five workers and filled in five walls of jeans, size order and censored.
I've been piling myself up with work, and avoiding the party scene like always because I feel like I should try to be more productive than to be wasting my life away into depression. That's just how I see it, but some people beg to differ. Just because of a break up it doesn't mean i should go drink. I just don't feel like going out to be social anymore. Maybe I've been a hermit for quite sometime, and I can't break out of my comfort zone. Sounds funny since I work in retail, and I meet people daily.
Since I broke up with Jin, we've been talking without the affection. Most of the time it's pretty straight forward conversations. I could see that he's careless in his words, and he would argue back with me lately. It's a progessive step towards getting over me, but it sucks to having to witness it. I've been very grouchy as well, but it's because I haven't been talking to anyone about my problems. I wouldn't know what to say either. I think I'm mad at myself for wanting to be single even though everyone wants to be in a relationship.
Tonight I had a fight with Jin about how I treat him unfairly, but my argument is that he doesn't deserve me to be rational or fair towards him since he doesn't treat me that way either. Maybe I'm bitter, but it's better to not being taken advantage of. I told him to go find someone else to talk to, and I hope they find happiness together. After that I don't rememeber what else happened because I knocked out. I was stressed out from work earlier and wanted to just to go home and sleep, but he had to drag me into an argument on one of the nights that I'm overly-exhausted. Sort of a low blow don't you think?
Work's been stressful lately because it's holiday times and we have to bust out ass even more because people are buying more clothes. Everyone's grouchy and on their edge. My boss and I also argued today because she called me into work 30 minutes before work started and I didn't pick up the phone. The rule is if she doesn't call me before an hour than I'm safe. I don't have that sort of availability for work and it's not my job to sit by the phone for two or three hours for her to call me. It takes 30 seconds to call someone and tell them to come to work. Get it through her mind, but in the end she got over it, and I just didn't give a crap. I cleaned up half the store even though there were five workers and filled in five walls of jeans, size order and censored.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Jin Jin Chubby Butt!
This blog is dedicated to you my Chubby Jin Jin.
This is probably the last blog I'm going to directly write to you, and I will take my time to write them.
Even though we had a lot of drama in our relationship, it meant everything to me for the last four and a half months. I understand tonight was a really tough night for us, and I just wanted to thank you for showing me that you love me. It's not easy to open yourself up to someone and fall in love with them, just like it's not easy to write these words down. My heads still pounding, but it's not as severe as three hours ago.
I've been watching "Paris Hilton's: My New BFF" for a while now to get my mind off what just happened between us. I don't want to give you that cliche speech about how great of a guy you are and how lucky your future boyfriend(s) are to have you, but I can't leave that out. You really are someone special. You're like a gem I found in the bottom of the ocean, or a meteorite that fell down from the sky. Life still feels very surreal as I'm writing this to you. I've grown to be dependent on your love, and now it's no longer here.
Thank you for the last four months. I'll never forget it. Along with that being said, I'll never forget the promises I made you either. The main obsticle that we face daily is distance. On top of that, we have conflicting schedules, and it makes everything harder to maintain a healthy relationship. I know you want to go back to two weeks ago when things weren't so rocky, and we were still very affectionate to each other, but you always have to look forward to make the best of things.
I know you gave me your heart, and I took good care of it until tonight. I'm sorry that I let you down. I've been trying to end things for awhile now, but I was caught up in the fear of hurting you. I made a realization tonight that even though I'm trying to protect you from the truth, I'll hurt you even more if I prolonged this relationship. I will always care for you, and I hope you would take care of yourself.
I didn't want to talk to you after the break up because it's far too soon to talk. I know all we do is talk and breaking up and continue talking seems pretty senseless to me. I know you never had a chance with any of your ex-boyfriends to talk after a relationship, and I don't want you to lose hope in being friends with me because of that. You're not different from anyone else, but maybe you met the wrong guys to become ex-boyfriends with. Maybe we're closing one chapter and opening up another chapter into our lives. Just because we're apart now doesn't mean we won't meet up in the future.
And lastly, please don't do anything harmful to yourself. You mean a great deal to me, and it would devastate me if anything happens to you because of me. I know hurt you emotionally, but I just don't think the timing and setting are right for either of us. If there are times when you are depressed or need to talk then you know who where I am. I hope I could help you heal the wound that I inflicted onto you. I don't expect you to forgive me or even to forget what I did to you, but try to move on. This is our last night together, and I'm going to say this one last time. Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you. Take care of yourself chubby. Nha nha.
This is probably the last blog I'm going to directly write to you, and I will take my time to write them.
Even though we had a lot of drama in our relationship, it meant everything to me for the last four and a half months. I understand tonight was a really tough night for us, and I just wanted to thank you for showing me that you love me. It's not easy to open yourself up to someone and fall in love with them, just like it's not easy to write these words down. My heads still pounding, but it's not as severe as three hours ago.
I've been watching "Paris Hilton's: My New BFF" for a while now to get my mind off what just happened between us. I don't want to give you that cliche speech about how great of a guy you are and how lucky your future boyfriend(s) are to have you, but I can't leave that out. You really are someone special. You're like a gem I found in the bottom of the ocean, or a meteorite that fell down from the sky. Life still feels very surreal as I'm writing this to you. I've grown to be dependent on your love, and now it's no longer here.
Thank you for the last four months. I'll never forget it. Along with that being said, I'll never forget the promises I made you either. The main obsticle that we face daily is distance. On top of that, we have conflicting schedules, and it makes everything harder to maintain a healthy relationship. I know you want to go back to two weeks ago when things weren't so rocky, and we were still very affectionate to each other, but you always have to look forward to make the best of things.
I know you gave me your heart, and I took good care of it until tonight. I'm sorry that I let you down. I've been trying to end things for awhile now, but I was caught up in the fear of hurting you. I made a realization tonight that even though I'm trying to protect you from the truth, I'll hurt you even more if I prolonged this relationship. I will always care for you, and I hope you would take care of yourself.
I didn't want to talk to you after the break up because it's far too soon to talk. I know all we do is talk and breaking up and continue talking seems pretty senseless to me. I know you never had a chance with any of your ex-boyfriends to talk after a relationship, and I don't want you to lose hope in being friends with me because of that. You're not different from anyone else, but maybe you met the wrong guys to become ex-boyfriends with. Maybe we're closing one chapter and opening up another chapter into our lives. Just because we're apart now doesn't mean we won't meet up in the future.
And lastly, please don't do anything harmful to yourself. You mean a great deal to me, and it would devastate me if anything happens to you because of me. I know hurt you emotionally, but I just don't think the timing and setting are right for either of us. If there are times when you are depressed or need to talk then you know who where I am. I hope I could help you heal the wound that I inflicted onto you. I don't expect you to forgive me or even to forget what I did to you, but try to move on. This is our last night together, and I'm going to say this one last time. Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you. Take care of yourself chubby. Nha nha.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Anniversary Brings Diaster
Friday
I woke up late for school because once again I stayed up with Jin to play Perfect World. Jin was suppose to wake me up but completely forgot. I spent the day with Jin whilst he repeatedly asked me if he could go to a birthday party the very next night. My response was an obvious, "No," but he never ceases to disappoint me. I've been asking him to go to his house for a month because I want to speak to him where he could act comfortably instead of hiding his sexuality from his roommate by speaking with caution. I try not to mind that he's still downe, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating to not get the reply you want in a conversation. We played games to some hour of the night and we both fell asleep on the phone.
Saturday
I woke up before Jin called me that morning at 7:45 A.M. to get ready for work. While I was driving to work I called Jin and he accompanied me to go to work. He asked me again if he could go to the party and received the same answer. While I was at work, I got his text messages that he's going to a baby shower with his mom because she made him go. I believe if you're 19 years old you should be in control of your life. He didn't know the hosts of the baby shower so why bother going. I don't understand the logical reasoning that he's trying to project. When I rushed out of work, the first thing I did was call Jin to ask him what was going on, but he had already left to the train station to head over to the baby shower. I was sadden by his lack effort to stay with me and fulfill my request since it was our four months anniversary. Maybe he will surprise me tonight...
As midnight approached, I didn't receive a phone call from him until 1:00 A.M., but at that time it was too late. I rushed home from work for nothing. The day flew by so quickly. He didn't come home until 2:30 A.M. We played games until 5:00 A.M., and fell asleep on the phone. The deal for breaking his promise to stay home was to wake the both of us up at 1:00 P.M., so that the day wouldn't be wasted away.
Sunday
I woke up at 12:00 P.M., but I didn't wake up completely nor call Jin because I thought he'd be punctual today because I emphasized it so much. I fell back to sleep and I didn't wake up until 4:00 P.M. I felt disappointed. I wanted to give our anniversary another chance on Sunday, but there was barely 8 hours left in the day. What's there to cherish? I don't really know why I bothered with him. He called me and sounded sleepy. He apologized, but I've heard it so many times now that it wouldn't have made a dent into my emotions. I felt voided of all emotions except rage and disappointment. I finally asked him if he knew was yesterday was, but his response was a very stupid one. He told me, "Yesterday was Saturday and you had to work."
He missed our second month anniversary because he had to study for his exam, which I tried to be understanding. He didn't say anything until the very next day. Now that he missed the fourth month, there was only one thing I should have done. My first instinct was to just give up. I told him that the one request I asked was unfulfilled. He didn't leave me for any plausible reason. He started to cry softly. I also told him that he didn't just miss the fourth month anniversary, but forgot it as well. Then finally, I told him that he asked the dumbest question a boyfriend could ask. He wanted to go out to a party on our anniversary. Why could I bother anymore.
I'm wasting my time with him. I told him I want it to end. We should see other people. He asked me if he could continue speaking to me, but I felt like it would be redundant if we did continue. All we do is talk, then shouldn't a break up mean to stop talking? He asked me for equality. I spoke to all my ex-boyfriends after we broke up, but the sad fact is that none of them are really dependable. They're not in my life, and I don't talk to then often. He started to sob loudly. Then uncontrollably when I told him to speak. Then out of the blue, he asked to marry me. I thought he was ludacris to ask me this question. The obvious answer was no.
I could feel his heart break, and listen to the fear of being abandoned by a love one in his cries. At that moment it reminded me of an incident that I caused at 4:00 A.M., on December 27, 2007, I broke Jason's heart. I never forgave neither of us for parting so easily, but as time progressed, I learned to cope. I felt like I was doing this exact same thing to Jin. At that moment, I started to cry as well. Tears went down my face as I lie on my bed thinking of how I could just continue to scar the hearts of others, and especially those that I love. He kept saying please don't leave me, and in the midst of the break up I couldn't give him a yes or no answer. I just said I love you because that's what I felt during that split second.
He started to sob even loudly and his breathing became even more unstable. I gave him a few minutes to collect himself on his own but it didn't seem to go anywhere. I told him to stop crying and go wash his face. He still did as he was told. He still wanted to do what I wanted from him. He still was willing to give when I wanted to take away the love he cherished so dearly. After he came back, I told him that I will stay. I can't leave him. I just laid there with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms as tightly as possible so I could show him how much I love him. It was really hard to not express any physical affection because we both needed it desperately. I just wanted to reassure him so he would stop hurting. I told him to go play Perfect World so we could get our minds off of the near break up that we just had.
Throughout the day, we just spent every second with each other. I think we both got scared about thought of losing each other. Jin fell asleep on the phone while I stayed up to study for my midterm. In between my studying, Mrs. J tried to break up with his boyfriend as well, but just like me, it was unsuccessful. It's not the fear of being alone, but it's the fear of losing someone we love that kept us in our relationships. I just wish Mrs. J's relationship was more about the couple than the domineering boyfriend.
I thought that if I let him go, I'd have to spend a certain amount of time being single. I would never find anyone like him that would love me the way he loves me. I would have to rebuild another relationship that may end up badly. I would have to break another person's heart, and maybe even mine. Those were the realizations I made that day.
I woke up late for school because once again I stayed up with Jin to play Perfect World. Jin was suppose to wake me up but completely forgot. I spent the day with Jin whilst he repeatedly asked me if he could go to a birthday party the very next night. My response was an obvious, "No," but he never ceases to disappoint me. I've been asking him to go to his house for a month because I want to speak to him where he could act comfortably instead of hiding his sexuality from his roommate by speaking with caution. I try not to mind that he's still downe, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating to not get the reply you want in a conversation. We played games to some hour of the night and we both fell asleep on the phone.
Saturday
I woke up before Jin called me that morning at 7:45 A.M. to get ready for work. While I was driving to work I called Jin and he accompanied me to go to work. He asked me again if he could go to the party and received the same answer. While I was at work, I got his text messages that he's going to a baby shower with his mom because she made him go. I believe if you're 19 years old you should be in control of your life. He didn't know the hosts of the baby shower so why bother going. I don't understand the logical reasoning that he's trying to project. When I rushed out of work, the first thing I did was call Jin to ask him what was going on, but he had already left to the train station to head over to the baby shower. I was sadden by his lack effort to stay with me and fulfill my request since it was our four months anniversary. Maybe he will surprise me tonight...
As midnight approached, I didn't receive a phone call from him until 1:00 A.M., but at that time it was too late. I rushed home from work for nothing. The day flew by so quickly. He didn't come home until 2:30 A.M. We played games until 5:00 A.M., and fell asleep on the phone. The deal for breaking his promise to stay home was to wake the both of us up at 1:00 P.M., so that the day wouldn't be wasted away.
Sunday
I woke up at 12:00 P.M., but I didn't wake up completely nor call Jin because I thought he'd be punctual today because I emphasized it so much. I fell back to sleep and I didn't wake up until 4:00 P.M. I felt disappointed. I wanted to give our anniversary another chance on Sunday, but there was barely 8 hours left in the day. What's there to cherish? I don't really know why I bothered with him. He called me and sounded sleepy. He apologized, but I've heard it so many times now that it wouldn't have made a dent into my emotions. I felt voided of all emotions except rage and disappointment. I finally asked him if he knew was yesterday was, but his response was a very stupid one. He told me, "Yesterday was Saturday and you had to work."
He missed our second month anniversary because he had to study for his exam, which I tried to be understanding. He didn't say anything until the very next day. Now that he missed the fourth month, there was only one thing I should have done. My first instinct was to just give up. I told him that the one request I asked was unfulfilled. He didn't leave me for any plausible reason. He started to cry softly. I also told him that he didn't just miss the fourth month anniversary, but forgot it as well. Then finally, I told him that he asked the dumbest question a boyfriend could ask. He wanted to go out to a party on our anniversary. Why could I bother anymore.
I'm wasting my time with him. I told him I want it to end. We should see other people. He asked me if he could continue speaking to me, but I felt like it would be redundant if we did continue. All we do is talk, then shouldn't a break up mean to stop talking? He asked me for equality. I spoke to all my ex-boyfriends after we broke up, but the sad fact is that none of them are really dependable. They're not in my life, and I don't talk to then often. He started to sob loudly. Then uncontrollably when I told him to speak. Then out of the blue, he asked to marry me. I thought he was ludacris to ask me this question. The obvious answer was no.
I could feel his heart break, and listen to the fear of being abandoned by a love one in his cries. At that moment it reminded me of an incident that I caused at 4:00 A.M., on December 27, 2007, I broke Jason's heart. I never forgave neither of us for parting so easily, but as time progressed, I learned to cope. I felt like I was doing this exact same thing to Jin. At that moment, I started to cry as well. Tears went down my face as I lie on my bed thinking of how I could just continue to scar the hearts of others, and especially those that I love. He kept saying please don't leave me, and in the midst of the break up I couldn't give him a yes or no answer. I just said I love you because that's what I felt during that split second.
He started to sob even loudly and his breathing became even more unstable. I gave him a few minutes to collect himself on his own but it didn't seem to go anywhere. I told him to stop crying and go wash his face. He still did as he was told. He still wanted to do what I wanted from him. He still was willing to give when I wanted to take away the love he cherished so dearly. After he came back, I told him that I will stay. I can't leave him. I just laid there with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms as tightly as possible so I could show him how much I love him. It was really hard to not express any physical affection because we both needed it desperately. I just wanted to reassure him so he would stop hurting. I told him to go play Perfect World so we could get our minds off of the near break up that we just had.
Throughout the day, we just spent every second with each other. I think we both got scared about thought of losing each other. Jin fell asleep on the phone while I stayed up to study for my midterm. In between my studying, Mrs. J tried to break up with his boyfriend as well, but just like me, it was unsuccessful. It's not the fear of being alone, but it's the fear of losing someone we love that kept us in our relationships. I just wish Mrs. J's relationship was more about the couple than the domineering boyfriend.
I thought that if I let him go, I'd have to spend a certain amount of time being single. I would never find anyone like him that would love me the way he loves me. I would have to rebuild another relationship that may end up badly. I would have to break another person's heart, and maybe even mine. Those were the realizations I made that day.
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