For so many sleepless nights I lie awake thinking of you, and for those nights I have slept, I dreamt of you. You are truly an irreplaceable, and yet, I wish it was possible to replace you. It's been over a year, and still, I love you. Tonight is the night when I want to be hold by you the most. To just feel your touch once more, to look into your eyes, and tell there was never a moment when I stopped thinking about you. I can't explain what has been keeping me so deeply in love with you for all the times you had forsaken me, but it all doesn't matter. What matters the most is you. You are all I ever needed in life. I know that there's still some hope for the both of us, but it's so dim. I know that it's not love if there's only one person as well. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't I just tell you that I love you without consequences? And during that moment, that's when time freezes for us. And during that moment when I do, we will feel whole again. And during that moment, I will hold onto you for dear life.
I wish were true but it's not. I miss you so much in the last year that I am overwhelmed with grief. I'm sorry I had to leave you at the very end when you offered me your friendship, but I can't watch you be with another lover. To know that place in your heart that was once reserved for me is now reserved for somebody else. For that very reason, I am truly sorry. There is no reason that would justify my actions, and for that, I carry this guilt with me each day. I know that I'm a coward because I'm scared to face the truth. I want to live in my fantasy just a little longer... because that's where I feel the most safe. Because when I'm there, I don't have any worries of losing you, but instead, we'll always be together.
For all that it's worth, I wish you well. I always will wish you well...
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Letters to the Boys
I've been sitting here on MTV.com and "watching Making the Band 4," and I'm so sad that stupid P. Diddy split up the group. He forced the blame on Aubrey because she seems to speak her mind. So what if she's raunchy or hoeish? I think the careers of most celebrities are mixed in with alcohol, drugs, and prostitution. What is different with her that P. Diddy has't seen in the other celebrities of his time? If she chooses to be a slut, then let her be a slut.
Anyways, I didn't get my shut eye all night, and it might make me a cranky camper today. Hope to GOD that Jin doesn't do something stupid to piss me off. I wish there was just one day when he would just make me completely happy without any drama. So after watching Kanity Kane's group split up from five people to now three, it got me to think about my life. Where am I going with it? School is starting on Monday, and I couldn't care less. I think I'm still tired from school and work. Maybe my vacation wasn't really a vacation since I spent most of the time working. I want to be single so badly, but my emotions are holding me back. Yes, I am officially single, but there are two guys that are always talking to me or asking me to go see them.
To Jin:
I don't know when the next time you're going to come to California, and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to see you since our break up. It feels like a very light break up because my feelings for you have died down a lot. I don't feel the need to be sexual or overly affectionate with you anymore. It could be phase or it could just be that I'm accepting things for how they are. I appreciate the time that you spend with me; trust me I do. Why else would I sit here tonight thinking about things?
To Paul:
I must say you've held out your feelings for me for quite sometime now, and they seem to grow more each day rather than dying down. It's a surprise you're still interested in me because most people would just quit. You've taken major steps to open yourself up to me even though you haven't done that for anyone else. I feel like I've held your hand though the last couple of months to figure out how to come out of your comfort zone, express yourself freely, and knowing what happiness means to you. It has come to a point where I'm going to let go to see if you could do this on your own because it's always been a one sided relationship with you. You always want me to do everything and you to do nothing. You want the fairy tale romance, but it's not realistic. I want an equal relationship, and I've been disappointed by so many guys that has said they can provide that but has come up short on more than one occasion. It's nice to have the truth from you, but it's time that you should take a shot at being a man and not a housewife. So much to write down, but I don't know if it's going to help. It just seems pointless to keep writing so I'm going to stop and let you figure things out on your own. I am also confused about what is going on in your mind.
To myself:
I need actual space from relationships in general. I just don't want to deal with them. I keep telling myself to let go, but that would just be too weak willed. I don't want to let go so easily because holding on is so difficult. I don't want to kick my butt in the future, telling myself that I let a rare opportunity slip through my fingers because I wasn't persistant enough. I will try to hold on for a little longer, but until then I really need my space. I dream about it and I think about it at night. Things are going so well with everyone, but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to escape reality and live a day without worries. There are too many worries in my life already, and it always seems like I'm adding onto a neverending amount of stress that's been there since I started to date. Things are so unclear. I just hope things will be better and not worse.
Anyways, I didn't get my shut eye all night, and it might make me a cranky camper today. Hope to GOD that Jin doesn't do something stupid to piss me off. I wish there was just one day when he would just make me completely happy without any drama. So after watching Kanity Kane's group split up from five people to now three, it got me to think about my life. Where am I going with it? School is starting on Monday, and I couldn't care less. I think I'm still tired from school and work. Maybe my vacation wasn't really a vacation since I spent most of the time working. I want to be single so badly, but my emotions are holding me back. Yes, I am officially single, but there are two guys that are always talking to me or asking me to go see them.
To Jin:
I don't know when the next time you're going to come to California, and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to see you since our break up. It feels like a very light break up because my feelings for you have died down a lot. I don't feel the need to be sexual or overly affectionate with you anymore. It could be phase or it could just be that I'm accepting things for how they are. I appreciate the time that you spend with me; trust me I do. Why else would I sit here tonight thinking about things?
To Paul:
I must say you've held out your feelings for me for quite sometime now, and they seem to grow more each day rather than dying down. It's a surprise you're still interested in me because most people would just quit. You've taken major steps to open yourself up to me even though you haven't done that for anyone else. I feel like I've held your hand though the last couple of months to figure out how to come out of your comfort zone, express yourself freely, and knowing what happiness means to you. It has come to a point where I'm going to let go to see if you could do this on your own because it's always been a one sided relationship with you. You always want me to do everything and you to do nothing. You want the fairy tale romance, but it's not realistic. I want an equal relationship, and I've been disappointed by so many guys that has said they can provide that but has come up short on more than one occasion. It's nice to have the truth from you, but it's time that you should take a shot at being a man and not a housewife. So much to write down, but I don't know if it's going to help. It just seems pointless to keep writing so I'm going to stop and let you figure things out on your own. I am also confused about what is going on in your mind.
To myself:
I need actual space from relationships in general. I just don't want to deal with them. I keep telling myself to let go, but that would just be too weak willed. I don't want to let go so easily because holding on is so difficult. I don't want to kick my butt in the future, telling myself that I let a rare opportunity slip through my fingers because I wasn't persistant enough. I will try to hold on for a little longer, but until then I really need my space. I dream about it and I think about it at night. Things are going so well with everyone, but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to escape reality and live a day without worries. There are too many worries in my life already, and it always seems like I'm adding onto a neverending amount of stress that's been there since I started to date. Things are so unclear. I just hope things will be better and not worse.
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