Soooo... I've been having nightmares in the last few weeks. One of the most horrific ones involved my friend making out with some random guy. I woke up in sweat when the guy started to lick his way down towards my friend's cock. Then the second dream also involved that same friend, which I would just like to state for the record that I would never want to see him naked! He proposed to me, and his best friend "L" started to cry because he was heartbroken when my friend left him for me. Then after I rejected my friend, "L" leaped into my friend's arms, but was once again rejected. They both cried and my friend morphed into another "L."
That was the three most horrific nightmares I've had lately, but today I had two nightmares. The first nightmare was about a chinese vampire, a daoist priest, a rich government official, and myself (servant). The government official wanted to usurp the throne by hiring a daoist priest to control a vampire to kill the king. Before he knew it the daoist priest wanted to nurture the vampire and it went out of control. The vampire killed the government official, and the daoist priest ran. I witnessed what happened, and I ran for my life. I ran through a bilion doors. It just never seem to stop, and I was incredibly fearful that after the vampire fed on the government official, he would then come after me. He could sense my breathing. I finally got outside where there was sunlight, but I was curious if the vampire had killed the government official. I went back inside the house, and I could hear the vampire jump down from the second floor. That's when I ran outside into the sunlight, and ran to my aunt's house which was nearby. Then I woke up from my dream.
The other nightmare was about my friend "J." He was cheated on yesterday night by his so called "boyfriend." I felt so empathic for him because I had gone through that same pain last year when I was cheated on. He vented to me at 3:00-4:00 A.M., and he told me that he felt so empty. He was so hurt that his feelings were numb. Then after he vented he went to sleep. In my dream, I saw him getting cheated on by his boyfriend. I felt so bad for him, and to witness it made it more intense.
I've also been having dreams about spiders. I walked into this abandoned warehouse, and I kept walking up the stairs, which have about 10-20 floors. The inside of the warehouse and the stairs are all dark brown wood. There are plenty of spiders and I killed a lot of daddy long legs. Once I came toward the middle of the warehouse. The farther I came the more poisonous the spiders were. At one point, black widows were attacking me and they were about a feet long. I only had a broom in my hands and I just kept hitting and smashing them nonstop, but it felt like it was a neverending process.
I've also been thinking about Jason in and out in the last two days, but it seems like I miss him since our anniversary is coming up on November 4th. These thoughts doesn't do anything for me. I don't feel like I love him or sad because of him. They're just there.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Appreciation Day
Today was one of the most interesting days of the week and probably has the more unrelated events happening throughout the day. So,I went to my first class today, which is the class I always skip. Apparently, I have an 89% in there and I stayed up all night to cramp all five chapters into my head, which I believe I learned the material thoroughly. The professor said the test is only on three chapters... All that time spent studying was such a waste.
Then I went to my econ class, and received an A on my midterm, and my friend got pissed at me because I'm always bumming notes off of him because I'm always absent. I went to my math class and I received my midterm in there and got the highest grade in the class. Ironically, I have never studied for that class, and I don't even own the book. Math just comes natural to me. Yay, high five to anyone reading this because I know you all hate me now.
So I took my accounting midterm, and I am so scared that I failed. I think I did a horrendous job. I need to be better prepared the next time. It never hurts to over-study. So when I went home apparently Jin had my permission to touch himself. I'm not going to say how many times, but it was way more than how many times I do it per week. Yay for Jin! His balls are dried up like raisan probably.
When I went home, I ate frosted flakes cereal which is my favorite. Then I drove to the mall where I'm about to sign up with AT&T because not that many people use T-Mobile anymore. I've been running low on minutes since I met Jin. The fucker at the store lied to me and told me if I didn't have a PDA phone then he would be able to block the AT&T medianet (AT&T internet) because the phone I'm getting already has wifi. Using wifi while having the medianet unblocked could cost a lot of money. Anyways my sister told me to call up the company so they could just block it on my account.
Jin's studying for his exam, but I'm not sure how well-prepared he is. I just don't think over-preparing hurts. I went to Abercrombie and interviewed my leading sales manager because once the assistant manager is fired (thanks to my reports of her bad behavior), Carah (leading sales manager) will move up to assistant manager and I will take her position. I just had questions on what her job consists of, and how much she would be getting paid. Hopefully, I'll be earning about 13-15 bucks an hour.
When I went home I took a nap, and woke up to my sister and her fiance that just came back from China. They brought gifts of course. One of the gifts was a Samsung cell phone, but I gave it to my mom because she always gets the worst things in this family because she's so selfless.
So when I was sitting here watching Forgeting Sarah Marshall (good movie), one of my friends were asking me about my day. I told him about my A's, promotion, and loyal "Property." He told me that I'm smart and good-looking. He also said, "What else could I ask for?" Wow it hit me, I don't need anything. I have a brand new car, loyal/submissive friends, family in good health, top of my class, and my "Property." I guess I'm getting really appreciative of what I have or I already have everything I always wanted. I think I want to take over the world, and turn everyone bitchy. Happy ending (like the massage)! ^_^
Then I went to my econ class, and received an A on my midterm, and my friend got pissed at me because I'm always bumming notes off of him because I'm always absent. I went to my math class and I received my midterm in there and got the highest grade in the class. Ironically, I have never studied for that class, and I don't even own the book. Math just comes natural to me. Yay, high five to anyone reading this because I know you all hate me now.
So I took my accounting midterm, and I am so scared that I failed. I think I did a horrendous job. I need to be better prepared the next time. It never hurts to over-study. So when I went home apparently Jin had my permission to touch himself. I'm not going to say how many times, but it was way more than how many times I do it per week. Yay for Jin! His balls are dried up like raisan probably.
When I went home, I ate frosted flakes cereal which is my favorite. Then I drove to the mall where I'm about to sign up with AT&T because not that many people use T-Mobile anymore. I've been running low on minutes since I met Jin. The fucker at the store lied to me and told me if I didn't have a PDA phone then he would be able to block the AT&T medianet (AT&T internet) because the phone I'm getting already has wifi. Using wifi while having the medianet unblocked could cost a lot of money. Anyways my sister told me to call up the company so they could just block it on my account.
Jin's studying for his exam, but I'm not sure how well-prepared he is. I just don't think over-preparing hurts. I went to Abercrombie and interviewed my leading sales manager because once the assistant manager is fired (thanks to my reports of her bad behavior), Carah (leading sales manager) will move up to assistant manager and I will take her position. I just had questions on what her job consists of, and how much she would be getting paid. Hopefully, I'll be earning about 13-15 bucks an hour.
When I went home I took a nap, and woke up to my sister and her fiance that just came back from China. They brought gifts of course. One of the gifts was a Samsung cell phone, but I gave it to my mom because she always gets the worst things in this family because she's so selfless.
So when I was sitting here watching Forgeting Sarah Marshall (good movie), one of my friends were asking me about my day. I told him about my A's, promotion, and loyal "Property." He told me that I'm smart and good-looking. He also said, "What else could I ask for?" Wow it hit me, I don't need anything. I have a brand new car, loyal/submissive friends, family in good health, top of my class, and my "Property." I guess I'm getting really appreciative of what I have or I already have everything I always wanted. I think I want to take over the world, and turn everyone bitchy. Happy ending (like the massage)! ^_^
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Getting Stood Up
This morning I woke up to Jin's voice. I couldn't fall asleep yesterday night until 3:00-4:00 A.M., so I woke up pretty late. He left for a friends birthday party earlier than scheduled. He told me that he would leave at 3:00 P.M., right after my got out of school. I asked him, "So when do you plan to talk to me? Leave at 4:00." His response is, "I guess so." That would be leaning towards a yes to my suggestion. If he said, "I guess not," then it would have been my fault for misreading what he said.
I don't understand why it's so hard to be punctual. If you really wanted to be on time then you would have tried to figure out different ways to be punctual. Get a fucking agenda or PDA. Tattoo it on your arms. I don't really care anymore. I don't understand why we have to get into so many fights over such a small subject. An average adult would have understand those concept within the first or second discussion. Apparently, it happens so often that I have no idea what the number is. I'm so sick of fighting or being disappointed by him. If he doesn't hold up arrangements or appointments that he has with me because he wants to go hang out with friends, then what does that make us? I'm a secondary priority compared to his friends. Then we should just be acquaintances.
I gave him two choices on Saturday afternoon, and today I picked choice #1, since he doesn't want to pick. I really don't care how irrational I'm being right now. Such a small problem shouldn't be such a hindrance to our relationship. How would anyone feel if they were stood up for their boyfriend's friends forty or fifty times? It's incredibly disrespectful, inconsiderate, and immature. At this point, I wouldn't even give a fuck if the sky was falling, he would still have to figure out a way to meet the appointment he has with me. I don't need to be understanding. If I had to hold his hand for the first three months of the relationship, then it's reasonable if I let go of him now. This could sound like a job or relationship, but I wouldn't give a fuck for the label since I've been so understanding for the last three months. I don't like to get stood up.
Jin why can't we go for a week without a screw up? Why are you always waiting till the last minute to do your essays and then I would have to proofread it for you. Why can't you just be ambitious enough to just figure out the problems of this relationship before it's too late. Do I honestly have to tell you that I don't like to get stood up? It that not common sense? It's a birthday party and our relationship is already rocky. You go out almost everyday. There's always an event waiting for you to go. Do you honestly think this is the perfect time to just blow me off like that? Why can't we just be problem-free? I know I'm being very picky but I have the right to be after all, I was helping you mature as a person. Sometimes I don't know if we're dating or if I'm babysitting you. Grow up! You're nineteen... You just go to school and go out. There's no job or bills you have to pay for. You really are carefree besides being in this mess of a relationship with me. What is there that I have to be understanding about? That you're spoiled? Really? Let's go back to Saturday (which isn't that far into the past) when I asked you if you could change. Didn't you reply, "Yes, I will change. I will change." That's an expetation that you setup for a failure. It may seem incredible hard, but why do I need to be understanding? Did you earn it? Have you given me any reason to be nicer?
I don't understand why it's so hard to be punctual. If you really wanted to be on time then you would have tried to figure out different ways to be punctual. Get a fucking agenda or PDA. Tattoo it on your arms. I don't really care anymore. I don't understand why we have to get into so many fights over such a small subject. An average adult would have understand those concept within the first or second discussion. Apparently, it happens so often that I have no idea what the number is. I'm so sick of fighting or being disappointed by him. If he doesn't hold up arrangements or appointments that he has with me because he wants to go hang out with friends, then what does that make us? I'm a secondary priority compared to his friends. Then we should just be acquaintances.
I gave him two choices on Saturday afternoon, and today I picked choice #1, since he doesn't want to pick. I really don't care how irrational I'm being right now. Such a small problem shouldn't be such a hindrance to our relationship. How would anyone feel if they were stood up for their boyfriend's friends forty or fifty times? It's incredibly disrespectful, inconsiderate, and immature. At this point, I wouldn't even give a fuck if the sky was falling, he would still have to figure out a way to meet the appointment he has with me. I don't need to be understanding. If I had to hold his hand for the first three months of the relationship, then it's reasonable if I let go of him now. This could sound like a job or relationship, but I wouldn't give a fuck for the label since I've been so understanding for the last three months. I don't like to get stood up.
Jin why can't we go for a week without a screw up? Why are you always waiting till the last minute to do your essays and then I would have to proofread it for you. Why can't you just be ambitious enough to just figure out the problems of this relationship before it's too late. Do I honestly have to tell you that I don't like to get stood up? It that not common sense? It's a birthday party and our relationship is already rocky. You go out almost everyday. There's always an event waiting for you to go. Do you honestly think this is the perfect time to just blow me off like that? Why can't we just be problem-free? I know I'm being very picky but I have the right to be after all, I was helping you mature as a person. Sometimes I don't know if we're dating or if I'm babysitting you. Grow up! You're nineteen... You just go to school and go out. There's no job or bills you have to pay for. You really are carefree besides being in this mess of a relationship with me. What is there that I have to be understanding about? That you're spoiled? Really? Let's go back to Saturday (which isn't that far into the past) when I asked you if you could change. Didn't you reply, "Yes, I will change. I will change." That's an expetation that you setup for a failure. It may seem incredible hard, but why do I need to be understanding? Did you earn it? Have you given me any reason to be nicer?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Mondays are Random
I want to have sex with this phone so badly! It's sleek, chic, and worst yet, expensive... The newly invented Sony Ericsson Xperia was released a week ago and is valued at $800-$1,200. I am madly in love with this phone and Jinnipoo wants to get it for me. Isn't that sweet? Aweeeeeeeeeeee! This phone makes dildos and vibrators look like chumps. It's the new orgasm!
Btw, you better tone your butt! I've seen it! Once I rape you, we will decide if you need to lose weight there. I think there's about ten lbs. of fat there ^_^
Spoke to my friends today, but it's not such a pleasant day for them. One of them is seperating with his friend/guy of interest, one of them just broke up with this super hot guy that is out of his league, one of them is madly in love with his iPhone and is convincing me to get one (I'm not getting on =p), and last but not least, one of them is having problems with this guy he hasn't met, but they're pushing forward.
In the next two days I'm going to be busy and crabby for sure. I have two midterms on Wednesday, and I might cry because of it. I have about six chapters to read, and a twelve page essay due. I want to quit my job, but I'm going to see how the promotion is going to benefit me first because I need money to buy this new phone.
For all my friends, dress warm hoes because winter is approaching. You guys are not allowed to die until I give you the order. I am the reason for your existence so please be considerate enough to not die. Eat healthy, exercise regularly, and have plenty of sex so you're not crabby. Wear protection though... BYE!
Btw, you better tone your butt! I've seen it! Once I rape you, we will decide if you need to lose weight there. I think there's about ten lbs. of fat there ^_^
Spoke to my friends today, but it's not such a pleasant day for them. One of them is seperating with his friend/guy of interest, one of them just broke up with this super hot guy that is out of his league, one of them is madly in love with his iPhone and is convincing me to get one (I'm not getting on =p), and last but not least, one of them is having problems with this guy he hasn't met, but they're pushing forward.
In the next two days I'm going to be busy and crabby for sure. I have two midterms on Wednesday, and I might cry because of it. I have about six chapters to read, and a twelve page essay due. I want to quit my job, but I'm going to see how the promotion is going to benefit me first because I need money to buy this new phone.
For all my friends, dress warm hoes because winter is approaching. You guys are not allowed to die until I give you the order. I am the reason for your existence so please be considerate enough to not die. Eat healthy, exercise regularly, and have plenty of sex so you're not crabby. Wear protection though... BYE!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Life Goes On
SO.... I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT IN THE LAST FEW DAYS! HAHAHAHHA! YES MOTHERFUCKERS I'VE BECOME A LAZY WHORE ^_^
Let's start from Thursday when I gave up on Jin! Well Friday came, I just took off his training wheels and let him decide how to live his own life. This means no more telling him what to do and when to do it. Well, I didn't speak to him unil Friday night because he had to go fix his phone. Well, I had just regained some patience back to be in this relationship and I was trying to be incredibly nice to him to make some beneficial changes. He kept asking me over and over if he could go clubbing with his friends and I had already told him once but this time I told him decide on your own and do what you want. Every adult knows that with every decision, there are good/bad consequences that follow. I thought he'd think of that but of course that was me giving him too much credit. After he said he'll call me back I thought he was just switching over to bluetooth, but sadly, when I called him back he told me he was going clubbing. I just said I can't talk right now and he kept asking me over and over, "Are you mad? Please don't be mad." I hung up the phone and texted him, "We shouldn't be together anymore. Whenever I get some patience back you seem to use it all up and I can't live like this. You don't know how to function in a relationship and you have no relationship common sense. I don't know what to do with us anymore. So, I think it's best for the both of us to just end it here and now. Good bye."
He called me back and asked me, "Scott, why are you doing this?" It was the first time he actually called me Scott since we've been dating so I noticed the sudden change in his speech already. For me, that showed that he was ready to accept our new status as acquaintances. I told him I do not want to talk to him after we break up because why would someone want that? He told me that I speak to all my ex-boyfriends and so why not him? I told him, "I'm speaking to you right now but you don't seem to treasure me for the very least. Why would you want to talk to me after we break up as friends. You know we're not going to talk as friends. Please don't call me anymore. I don't want to be anything."
After I said those things, I wanted to know why he would risk our relationship for one night at the club. I asked, "So who are you seeing at the club? Why are you risking our relationship to go to the club all the time? Do you like it if I were to go on dates every Friday? It's obvious that you wouldn't. So why would you go clubbing when you know I didn't want you to. It's even written down in my blog that I didn't want you to go." His defence was, "You said do what I want, so I did what I wanted to do."
I know... Stupidity as it's best. I don't know why I would tell him so many times to not go clubbing this Friday and the one time I told him to decide on his own, he makes the worst decision. I told him he was incredibly inconsiderate to my needs/emotions. Learn to think outside the box! After that talk, I just needed some space so I just said, "Good bye."
Well, later that night I didn't even feel bad for what had happened. I just felt angry that he couldn't answer any of my questions. He texted me "Farewell and take care of yourself. Please go get your head check by the doctors. I will not talk to you anymore since all I do is cause you more stress and sadness." I just replied to him, "Bye and I wish you answer my questions. I didn't want to break up with you but you don't seem to have any common sense whatsoever. You pushed me to this point. Don't do anything stupid." He told me later that he planned to get alcohol poisoning. Typical Korean... He didn't and he called me at 2:00 A.M., and we just fell asleep on the phone like usual.
On Saturday, I did nothing but spoke to Jim and Jin. I lectured Jin about relationship common sense for a good two hours and I even told him to write it down on a piece of paper so he remembers. I gave him two choices:
1) We're in a relationship right now, but you only get one chance. If you piss me off then it's over and I don't care what happens after that.
2) We're no longer in a relationship. You have to win me back by making fast paced changes. The longer you take, the more likely I would reject your love. We could date other people.
By the end of the night, he couldn't make up his mind so I'm giving him one or two days to think about it. Anyways, Jim went into the restroom and shot one out of his ass and wanted to make a 2boys1cup video. He thought of me while he popped it out of his ass. It was a big one. I may end up making this video with him just because Christmas is approaching and we have to make a Christmas episode for the children that hasn't been emotionally scarred yet.
It's Sunday, and I havne't done shit. Nothing special today except for new ways to hurt my nephew. Today, I introduced the titty twister to him and he seems to be scared. I even bit him today and gave him a bruise on his arm. I asked him if there was a bruise and he kept answering yes so I had to beat him until he said there isn't a bruise. It's like when you brainwash a child into thinking red is blue. I think my new goal in life is to open up a care center for children so they would love/appreciate their parents more. If their children are bad then they would drop off their children to my care camp and I will personally take care of these children. Yay another happy ending! The end. ^_^
Let's start from Thursday when I gave up on Jin! Well Friday came, I just took off his training wheels and let him decide how to live his own life. This means no more telling him what to do and when to do it. Well, I didn't speak to him unil Friday night because he had to go fix his phone. Well, I had just regained some patience back to be in this relationship and I was trying to be incredibly nice to him to make some beneficial changes. He kept asking me over and over if he could go clubbing with his friends and I had already told him once but this time I told him decide on your own and do what you want. Every adult knows that with every decision, there are good/bad consequences that follow. I thought he'd think of that but of course that was me giving him too much credit. After he said he'll call me back I thought he was just switching over to bluetooth, but sadly, when I called him back he told me he was going clubbing. I just said I can't talk right now and he kept asking me over and over, "Are you mad? Please don't be mad." I hung up the phone and texted him, "We shouldn't be together anymore. Whenever I get some patience back you seem to use it all up and I can't live like this. You don't know how to function in a relationship and you have no relationship common sense. I don't know what to do with us anymore. So, I think it's best for the both of us to just end it here and now. Good bye."
He called me back and asked me, "Scott, why are you doing this?" It was the first time he actually called me Scott since we've been dating so I noticed the sudden change in his speech already. For me, that showed that he was ready to accept our new status as acquaintances. I told him I do not want to talk to him after we break up because why would someone want that? He told me that I speak to all my ex-boyfriends and so why not him? I told him, "I'm speaking to you right now but you don't seem to treasure me for the very least. Why would you want to talk to me after we break up as friends. You know we're not going to talk as friends. Please don't call me anymore. I don't want to be anything."
After I said those things, I wanted to know why he would risk our relationship for one night at the club. I asked, "So who are you seeing at the club? Why are you risking our relationship to go to the club all the time? Do you like it if I were to go on dates every Friday? It's obvious that you wouldn't. So why would you go clubbing when you know I didn't want you to. It's even written down in my blog that I didn't want you to go." His defence was, "You said do what I want, so I did what I wanted to do."
I know... Stupidity as it's best. I don't know why I would tell him so many times to not go clubbing this Friday and the one time I told him to decide on his own, he makes the worst decision. I told him he was incredibly inconsiderate to my needs/emotions. Learn to think outside the box! After that talk, I just needed some space so I just said, "Good bye."
Well, later that night I didn't even feel bad for what had happened. I just felt angry that he couldn't answer any of my questions. He texted me "Farewell and take care of yourself. Please go get your head check by the doctors. I will not talk to you anymore since all I do is cause you more stress and sadness." I just replied to him, "Bye and I wish you answer my questions. I didn't want to break up with you but you don't seem to have any common sense whatsoever. You pushed me to this point. Don't do anything stupid." He told me later that he planned to get alcohol poisoning. Typical Korean... He didn't and he called me at 2:00 A.M., and we just fell asleep on the phone like usual.
On Saturday, I did nothing but spoke to Jim and Jin. I lectured Jin about relationship common sense for a good two hours and I even told him to write it down on a piece of paper so he remembers. I gave him two choices:
1) We're in a relationship right now, but you only get one chance. If you piss me off then it's over and I don't care what happens after that.
2) We're no longer in a relationship. You have to win me back by making fast paced changes. The longer you take, the more likely I would reject your love. We could date other people.
By the end of the night, he couldn't make up his mind so I'm giving him one or two days to think about it. Anyways, Jim went into the restroom and shot one out of his ass and wanted to make a 2boys1cup video. He thought of me while he popped it out of his ass. It was a big one. I may end up making this video with him just because Christmas is approaching and we have to make a Christmas episode for the children that hasn't been emotionally scarred yet.
It's Sunday, and I havne't done shit. Nothing special today except for new ways to hurt my nephew. Today, I introduced the titty twister to him and he seems to be scared. I even bit him today and gave him a bruise on his arm. I asked him if there was a bruise and he kept answering yes so I had to beat him until he said there isn't a bruise. It's like when you brainwash a child into thinking red is blue. I think my new goal in life is to open up a care center for children so they would love/appreciate their parents more. If their children are bad then they would drop off their children to my care camp and I will personally take care of these children. Yay another happy ending! The end. ^_^
Thursday, October 23, 2008
More Relationship Problems
Tonights just like every other night. I told Jin that I'm going to give up on us. Basically, this entitles him to do what he wants, when he wants to. I'm not going to tell him what to do anymore because I'm just not going to expect anything from him. I don't expect him to call me, I dont expect him to keep his promises, and I wouldn't expect anything that I would in an actual relationship. I've learned that the only way you could get hurt in life is when you set your own and other's expectations. I really don't need that right now in my life.
While on the phone for two hours, I told him that he doesn't really love me. Surely, I know that I'm just pushing him away. I told him that everyday is the same. I yell, he yells back. He eats, I yell more. Then we sleep. Sometimes I ask him to just lay down, but he can't because he's doing something. It's like a simple request. There is no intimacy between us. We never do anything together and I feel like for now that is the huge gap in our relatinship that needs to be filled immediately. I can't watch a movie with him, I can't have sex with him, and I can't even sleep with him.
We just already have so many issues: I'm unstable, he's not careful with his words, we're not nice to each other, and so on and so forth. Jin isn't romantic to the very least. He doesn't write me letters, sing me songs, or understand me. He even said to me today, "We're not on the same level. You have options." You know what it's sad because I don't even consider those things. Why would I? Hopefully, he was joking at the wrong time.
Okay here's some hints to understnd me better. When I speak my feelings for you please give me your input and don't just sit there quietly. It makes me feel like A) You don't understand, B) You don't give a fuck, C) You're a retard and never know that to say, or D) We really don't have anything to talk about because we're not compatible. The things that turns me off the most.
When I'm intimate with you, please don't say something to turn me off. When I ask to go to sleep or lay down. I've never really fallen asleep at the same time you did. Do you notice that? Every night when we're on the phone either you're up doing something or I'm up doing something. The actual times when I want to just lay down, and you've rejected me, guess what it is a big deal to me. I think you're really great at rejecting me (feelings and requests). Yes, I notice so please be more observative. I don't know what to say anymore Jin.
I could sit here all night to name more problems that we have, but what's the use? You don't get it. You won't fix it. You tell me over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm stupid." Not the words I want to hear and it's not going to fix anything. Is it that hard to just be romantic once in awhile, or lay down with me when I'm tired? My requests probably are too much for you. I've come to accept that with you I could never get what I need. Let' see how much longer we could keep this relationship going...
Oh btw, I don't want you to think I'm blaming you completely because it's really my fault. I lead the relationship to this place. I drove us both into a wall. My faults are: I'm cocky, condescending, very high expectations, stubborn, very high maintenance, control freak, and much more. I think it's just obvious what a trainwreck I am. Dating between us is like trying to cross breed two different species to be honest. You've never dated anyone that resembles anything like how I would act in a relationship and visa versa.
While on the phone for two hours, I told him that he doesn't really love me. Surely, I know that I'm just pushing him away. I told him that everyday is the same. I yell, he yells back. He eats, I yell more. Then we sleep. Sometimes I ask him to just lay down, but he can't because he's doing something. It's like a simple request. There is no intimacy between us. We never do anything together and I feel like for now that is the huge gap in our relatinship that needs to be filled immediately. I can't watch a movie with him, I can't have sex with him, and I can't even sleep with him.
We just already have so many issues: I'm unstable, he's not careful with his words, we're not nice to each other, and so on and so forth. Jin isn't romantic to the very least. He doesn't write me letters, sing me songs, or understand me. He even said to me today, "We're not on the same level. You have options." You know what it's sad because I don't even consider those things. Why would I? Hopefully, he was joking at the wrong time.
Okay here's some hints to understnd me better. When I speak my feelings for you please give me your input and don't just sit there quietly. It makes me feel like A) You don't understand, B) You don't give a fuck, C) You're a retard and never know that to say, or D) We really don't have anything to talk about because we're not compatible. The things that turns me off the most.
When I'm intimate with you, please don't say something to turn me off. When I ask to go to sleep or lay down. I've never really fallen asleep at the same time you did. Do you notice that? Every night when we're on the phone either you're up doing something or I'm up doing something. The actual times when I want to just lay down, and you've rejected me, guess what it is a big deal to me. I think you're really great at rejecting me (feelings and requests). Yes, I notice so please be more observative. I don't know what to say anymore Jin.
I could sit here all night to name more problems that we have, but what's the use? You don't get it. You won't fix it. You tell me over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm stupid." Not the words I want to hear and it's not going to fix anything. Is it that hard to just be romantic once in awhile, or lay down with me when I'm tired? My requests probably are too much for you. I've come to accept that with you I could never get what I need. Let' see how much longer we could keep this relationship going...
Oh btw, I don't want you to think I'm blaming you completely because it's really my fault. I lead the relationship to this place. I drove us both into a wall. My faults are: I'm cocky, condescending, very high expectations, stubborn, very high maintenance, control freak, and much more. I think it's just obvious what a trainwreck I am. Dating between us is like trying to cross breed two different species to be honest. You've never dated anyone that resembles anything like how I would act in a relationship and visa versa.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Anniversary Moments
Anniversaries are always special to me and I always try to make the best out of it, but sadly things don't always turn out the way. Today was the day of our three month anniversary. Ironically, I'm sitting here thinking about breaking up. All I need is a phone call to Jin to tell him it's over. I don't really know how much longer I could continue this tragedy waiting to happen. If I break up now, it's pretty much a slap in the face for me. I feel like I've wasted the last three months on someone that I could never physically have. Maybe I should think like an economist?
My life is full of tragedies... Near my first month anniversary with Jason, we ended up breaking up because I wasn't satisfied with the relationship. He was too involved in my life, and overly emotionally dependent on me. I couldn't handle the pressure, and we ended up almost breaking up. Basically, I said to him, "I want to break..." I didn't fully get the words out, but there's no need for further explanation.
Sometimes abandonment of hope is the best thing for a lost cause. This relationship does seem like a lost cause sometimes. We never really see each other. I never get to hold his hand when I want to. I'm completely sexually frustrated! It's my anniversary, I should be having tons of sex with my boyfriend. WTF! Maybe I don't have the will power to continue this relationship. I've actually been asking myself, "How much more patience can I have?" I'm nearing my limit and there's really no one I could emotionally depend on.
My life is full of tragedies... Near my first month anniversary with Jason, we ended up breaking up because I wasn't satisfied with the relationship. He was too involved in my life, and overly emotionally dependent on me. I couldn't handle the pressure, and we ended up almost breaking up. Basically, I said to him, "I want to break..." I didn't fully get the words out, but there's no need for further explanation.
Sometimes abandonment of hope is the best thing for a lost cause. This relationship does seem like a lost cause sometimes. We never really see each other. I never get to hold his hand when I want to. I'm completely sexually frustrated! It's my anniversary, I should be having tons of sex with my boyfriend. WTF! Maybe I don't have the will power to continue this relationship. I've actually been asking myself, "How much more patience can I have?" I'm nearing my limit and there's really no one I could emotionally depend on.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Relationship ABC's
Dear Miss Piggy,
I've written you letters upon letters, and I haven't received anything back except stupid comments from your mouth. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ROMANCE IS?! Listen asshole, either you write me something tomorrow or I'm turning you anorexic! Do you understand? No a sandwich is not healthy, nor fucking mahi mahi. Eat less my god. What kind of fucker goes work out for two hours and then fucking eat a ton of wontons? Is your mouth a garbage can? Tell me now! Answer! Don't just look at me. Answer!
I've also spoken to you today about common sense... DO YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKING COMMON SENSE IS OR DO I HAVE TO BEAT IT INTO YOU?! Okay, listen again asshole, I need you to know the abc's of dating. Boyfriends know when their boyfriends are mad, sad, or in need of attention. Why would you wait until I would get the biggest headache, and tell me shit to make me feel angry? Hmm, what was your defense, "At least you got a change in emotions! I did something didn't I?" It's fucking common sense to be more compassionate to your boyfriend when he's tired and ill. You are a dick! A chubby, tiny dick. Can you say asshole? Also, what kind of an asshole would say, "I live on your pain." When I ask for a simple break up? Is that so hard to do? LEARN YOUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP COMMON SENSE BITCH!
Finally, you big fat turd... when you say, "Honey I promise I won't go out next week." It doesn't mean until you get an invitation to go drinking you could re-ask me if you could go. No Jin, sit your chubby butt at home. You've been clubbing every week, and this week you want to go bar hopping? So out of the question! DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING PROMISE IS?! I may beat you. When I see you I will beat you. No one will say anything because everyone hates Koreans, especially me. Yes, your life, your air, your reason to live. ME!
Sincerely,
SV
P.S. Tell me when you're going to find the next thing to screw up our relationship and I'll be mentally prepared to drop you like a giant, fat bomb.
I've written you letters upon letters, and I haven't received anything back except stupid comments from your mouth. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ROMANCE IS?! Listen asshole, either you write me something tomorrow or I'm turning you anorexic! Do you understand? No a sandwich is not healthy, nor fucking mahi mahi. Eat less my god. What kind of fucker goes work out for two hours and then fucking eat a ton of wontons? Is your mouth a garbage can? Tell me now! Answer! Don't just look at me. Answer!
I've also spoken to you today about common sense... DO YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKING COMMON SENSE IS OR DO I HAVE TO BEAT IT INTO YOU?! Okay, listen again asshole, I need you to know the abc's of dating. Boyfriends know when their boyfriends are mad, sad, or in need of attention. Why would you wait until I would get the biggest headache, and tell me shit to make me feel angry? Hmm, what was your defense, "At least you got a change in emotions! I did something didn't I?" It's fucking common sense to be more compassionate to your boyfriend when he's tired and ill. You are a dick! A chubby, tiny dick. Can you say asshole? Also, what kind of an asshole would say, "I live on your pain." When I ask for a simple break up? Is that so hard to do? LEARN YOUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP COMMON SENSE BITCH!
Finally, you big fat turd... when you say, "Honey I promise I won't go out next week." It doesn't mean until you get an invitation to go drinking you could re-ask me if you could go. No Jin, sit your chubby butt at home. You've been clubbing every week, and this week you want to go bar hopping? So out of the question! DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING PROMISE IS?! I may beat you. When I see you I will beat you. No one will say anything because everyone hates Koreans, especially me. Yes, your life, your air, your reason to live. ME!
Sincerely,
SV
P.S. Tell me when you're going to find the next thing to screw up our relationship and I'll be mentally prepared to drop you like a giant, fat bomb.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Project "Jin"
Dear Jin,
If I call you fat will you get skinnier? If I say you're ugly enough times will you go get some plastic surgery? Phft I'm kidding! Stay the way you are physically. Mentally change now! Okay let's list your problems: poor eating habits, shower too long, can't read, can't write, can't speak, can't sing, no ambition, pee-pee is too short (size matters), IQ score too low, you're Korean (I hate Koreans), no confidence, not much to look at, and much more. Fat one, do you know what exercise is? Yes, go to the gym more than once a week. How do you expect to be a model!?
Rules: When I sit you stand, when I eat you prepare the rice, when I sleep you cover me with a blanket, when I come home prepare the bath, when I speak you shut up, when I raise my hand you cringe, no whining, no affection, no speaking in Korean. Got it?
After reading all of this you must be ready to let me go. Unclench your grip please... Let me breathe (no air)... Why can't I just dump you? Why won't you let me dump you!? I had this wonderful dream, that I was single, and you were stranded on a deserted island; far, far away from me. Okay, joking haha... This probably made you laugh, cry, feel insecure, symptoms may vary. Diarrhea, vomiting, and bleeding may occur. Pregnant women should not read my blog. Early child birth may occur. This blog is not made for everyone. Please consult with your doctor before reading.
BTW! These are the names I've call you so far:
Chubbykins
My chubbiness
My fat sack of love
You giant piece of love
Fat one
Chubby one
Chubberella
Chubby
Sea cow
Chubbymon
Super chubbymon (evolution)
Fatty fat fat fat
Jin-poo
Poo Jin
Jinnifer
Fer-ni-jin
Chubby cakes
Hun
Honey
Big fat one
Chubby one
Sausage
My asset
My property
... and many more to come. ^_^
For the record, Jin's penis is bigger than most people, he added chubzilla which I left out, and this is a satire so laugh! I actually like his chubby butt!
If I call you fat will you get skinnier? If I say you're ugly enough times will you go get some plastic surgery? Phft I'm kidding! Stay the way you are physically. Mentally change now! Okay let's list your problems: poor eating habits, shower too long, can't read, can't write, can't speak, can't sing, no ambition, pee-pee is too short (size matters), IQ score too low, you're Korean (I hate Koreans), no confidence, not much to look at, and much more. Fat one, do you know what exercise is? Yes, go to the gym more than once a week. How do you expect to be a model!?
Rules: When I sit you stand, when I eat you prepare the rice, when I sleep you cover me with a blanket, when I come home prepare the bath, when I speak you shut up, when I raise my hand you cringe, no whining, no affection, no speaking in Korean. Got it?
After reading all of this you must be ready to let me go. Unclench your grip please... Let me breathe (no air)... Why can't I just dump you? Why won't you let me dump you!? I had this wonderful dream, that I was single, and you were stranded on a deserted island; far, far away from me. Okay, joking haha... This probably made you laugh, cry, feel insecure, symptoms may vary. Diarrhea, vomiting, and bleeding may occur. Pregnant women should not read my blog. Early child birth may occur. This blog is not made for everyone. Please consult with your doctor before reading.
BTW! These are the names I've call you so far:
Chubbykins
My chubbiness
My fat sack of love
You giant piece of love
Fat one
Chubby one
Chubberella
Chubby
Sea cow
Chubbymon
Super chubbymon (evolution)
Fatty fat fat fat
Jin-poo
Poo Jin
Jinnifer
Fer-ni-jin
Chubby cakes
Hun
Honey
Big fat one
Chubby one
Sausage
My asset
My property
... and many more to come. ^_^
For the record, Jin's penis is bigger than most people, he added chubzilla which I left out, and this is a satire so laugh! I actually like his chubby butt!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Assholes I've Encountered
Yesterday night while I was speaking to Jin around 10:30 P.M. Eastern time, he didn't tell me he was going clubbing until it was way too late. It bothers me that he goes clubbing every Friday. If Jin likes to club every Friday then go be single. I don't need to date a party animal. He tried to reason with me. If I let him go this week then he won't go next week. How can you even bargain this crap? So again, I was disappointed by him. He said I'll be home at 3:00 A.M. Eastern time. What a load of crap. He called me while I was asleep, and I was too tired to even respond.
I woke up this morning to go to work and apparently there was a lot to do. I am only one person and I could only do so much. I think I've done the best a human could possibly do. I didn't give the minimum and expect things to work out. The point of all of this is because my assistant manager Andrea worked with me again. Today there were two assistant managers working, and I don't have a problem with anyone besides Andrea because she is so high-strung. I was scheduled to work from 9-2 P.M. Pacific time, and she kept me an extra fifteen mintues to do extra cleaning. I did the most work in the store all day. While I was clocking out there was a new pile of clothes to put away, she yelled at me for leaving it there. I was cleaning the back of the store and apparently that's not one of my responsibilities to clean a mess she made.
Andrea: I'll let it slide this time Scott, but next time I don't want you to stay on track. I want you to finish all your projects before you go.
Scott: What do you mean let it slide? I did everything and this pile isn't mine. I came up here and it's just here. What do you expect me to do?
Andrea: Well it isn't mine and I don't know who it is. You should have told me because it's your job to tell me the pacing of the store.
Scott: I told Jamie while she was here, and so I did communicate with an assistant manager so it's not my fault if you didn't receive the message.
Honestly, I was about to quit. I did more work than her today and she was the balls to tell me to work harder. I understand people have certain expectations of me because I'm always an efficient worker, but I'm not going to take shit from anyone. I came by the store later and they got robbed in the front of the store and apparently she's responsible. Karma bitch!
Also, while I was working there was this black guy approaching the cash register with returns. He was on his cell phone yapping away. I needed his personal information to give him his money back. I had to talk over him because he couldn't hear me because he was so busy talking on the phone. After a few questions, he turned off the phone and told me, "Don't you see me on the phone? Next time don't ask me questions when I'm on the phone."
During that moment, I wanted to climb over the counter and punch his face. I was thinking in my head, "Wow, did a black person just teach me mannerism? First off youre a black piece of shit and the bottom chain of the human species, so know your place. Secondly, you shouldn't have fucking come up to the counter with a phone on because it slows down the process and it's rude. You dumb motherfucker just hang up the phone so we could finish this shit. I could give you your money quicker and you could get back on the phone with your bitch." If you haven't figured it out I'm a racist after reading this you are a dumb motherfucker.
I woke up this morning to go to work and apparently there was a lot to do. I am only one person and I could only do so much. I think I've done the best a human could possibly do. I didn't give the minimum and expect things to work out. The point of all of this is because my assistant manager Andrea worked with me again. Today there were two assistant managers working, and I don't have a problem with anyone besides Andrea because she is so high-strung. I was scheduled to work from 9-2 P.M. Pacific time, and she kept me an extra fifteen mintues to do extra cleaning. I did the most work in the store all day. While I was clocking out there was a new pile of clothes to put away, she yelled at me for leaving it there. I was cleaning the back of the store and apparently that's not one of my responsibilities to clean a mess she made.
Andrea: I'll let it slide this time Scott, but next time I don't want you to stay on track. I want you to finish all your projects before you go.
Scott: What do you mean let it slide? I did everything and this pile isn't mine. I came up here and it's just here. What do you expect me to do?
Andrea: Well it isn't mine and I don't know who it is. You should have told me because it's your job to tell me the pacing of the store.
Scott: I told Jamie while she was here, and so I did communicate with an assistant manager so it's not my fault if you didn't receive the message.
Honestly, I was about to quit. I did more work than her today and she was the balls to tell me to work harder. I understand people have certain expectations of me because I'm always an efficient worker, but I'm not going to take shit from anyone. I came by the store later and they got robbed in the front of the store and apparently she's responsible. Karma bitch!
Also, while I was working there was this black guy approaching the cash register with returns. He was on his cell phone yapping away. I needed his personal information to give him his money back. I had to talk over him because he couldn't hear me because he was so busy talking on the phone. After a few questions, he turned off the phone and told me, "Don't you see me on the phone? Next time don't ask me questions when I'm on the phone."
During that moment, I wanted to climb over the counter and punch his face. I was thinking in my head, "Wow, did a black person just teach me mannerism? First off youre a black piece of shit and the bottom chain of the human species, so know your place. Secondly, you shouldn't have fucking come up to the counter with a phone on because it slows down the process and it's rude. You dumb motherfucker just hang up the phone so we could finish this shit. I could give you your money quicker and you could get back on the phone with your bitch." If you haven't figured it out I'm a racist after reading this you are a dumb motherfucker.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Nha Noise
Everyone knows it's inconvenient to talk to their significant other(s) when there are people around them, and that's why people develop code words for each other.
There are many times during the day when Jin and I are surrounded by our friends and family and we cannot expose our relationship by making kisses noises over the phone or saying, "I love you." That is why we have this new word that we use, and it's called "nha." Nha is a sound that children make when they cry. Sadly, Jin uses this noise to kiss me, instead of muak or muah. Too bad for him, I've been overusing the noise. It's such a fun thing to say that I tend to say it about 400-500 times per day. We even thought about making a nha song when we make love. Yes, spectacular isn't it?
"The Nha Song"
~Nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha~
There is also something I've noticed about Jin and my nephew. When Jin was about my nephew's age (ten), he was incredibly abnormal... He was about the size of a whale. Today he's shrunk down to 152 lbs. (standing at 5'8") or so he says. He told me he's "big boned." I told him I need him to lose about seven lbs or I'll dump you. To state for the record this was after he asked me if he should lose weight. Both Jin and my nephew are incredibly overweight, speaks English incorrectly, and eats a lot. It's like raising a kid instead of dating him, but I think it's so cute! Most of my discussions about Jin with my friends are about his weight. Sometimes, I even copy and paste the "truth" to him to show him tht yes, he has a weight problem. Why should I... date a fat Korean (Jin if you are reading this, you better answer me)? Unlike most idealistic relationships, this relationship is very one-sided. I wear the pants, I make the decisions, and I control where it's going.
Phft, NHA Jin! ^_^
There are many times during the day when Jin and I are surrounded by our friends and family and we cannot expose our relationship by making kisses noises over the phone or saying, "I love you." That is why we have this new word that we use, and it's called "nha." Nha is a sound that children make when they cry. Sadly, Jin uses this noise to kiss me, instead of muak or muah. Too bad for him, I've been overusing the noise. It's such a fun thing to say that I tend to say it about 400-500 times per day. We even thought about making a nha song when we make love. Yes, spectacular isn't it?
"The Nha Song"
~Nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha, nha~
There is also something I've noticed about Jin and my nephew. When Jin was about my nephew's age (ten), he was incredibly abnormal... He was about the size of a whale. Today he's shrunk down to 152 lbs. (standing at 5'8") or so he says. He told me he's "big boned." I told him I need him to lose about seven lbs or I'll dump you. To state for the record this was after he asked me if he should lose weight. Both Jin and my nephew are incredibly overweight, speaks English incorrectly, and eats a lot. It's like raising a kid instead of dating him, but I think it's so cute! Most of my discussions about Jin with my friends are about his weight. Sometimes, I even copy and paste the "truth" to him to show him tht yes, he has a weight problem. Why should I... date a fat Korean (Jin if you are reading this, you better answer me)? Unlike most idealistic relationships, this relationship is very one-sided. I wear the pants, I make the decisions, and I control where it's going.
Phft, NHA Jin! ^_^
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Remedies Anyone?
Does anyone know the cure for the broken heart? It's one of the many pains I had to endure lately.
Yesterday night, I came to the conclusion that Jin is annoyed by me. He doesn't speak much until I ask him to, but then he calls me and sits there quietly. Why is that?
I've asked him, "Why do you bother calling me you're just going to sit there and not say a word? What's the point? And why do I have to get the conversation flowing?"
We both have seperate lives and seperate duties so I do understand that our schedules conflict with each other. Which leads to this problem. I tend to keep him on the phone longer than he wants to be. When he wants to go I keep him for an extra one to five minutes. I can't help it... I just miss him so I want to hear his voice a little longer.
He's been having hives for approximately two days so he's been very edgy with me lately. Two nights ago, he was whiny and snapping at me for about two hours, but I've done that to him also. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just told him I'm going to need my space for a while since we're both so annoyed by each other.
Yesterday morning, he was acting the same way, on edge. I've been extra patient with him, but until yesterday night. I started to get this headache because I didn't eat much the entire day, and it was right after a jog with my nephew. I started to feel faint, and I was starting to see colors. I don't really know why, but I was being so fucking obnoxious. Basically, I wanted him to waitor on me. I asked him to find me two Chinese pop songs. He made a big deal out of it like it was looking for an ancient treasure or something.
At the end of the night, he snapped at me. He told me that when he needed to get off the phone, I need to stop being so clingy. It's because his bluetooth died and so the phone was radiating onto his face. I don't know why a little bit of heat from a phone could make someone say those things. I didn't bother to defend myself since I was so hurt. I felt defeated. Why would he say such mean things to me? After I got off the phone, he started to text me and IM me on AIM to apologize, but sometimes you cannot take back your words. I can't just stop feeling hurt when you want to apologize.
Over a small amount of time, I concluded that most of our conversations, I am the one talking and being annoying. Maybe he should re-prioritize his thoughts before continuing our relationship. I don't need him to say hurtful truths. After a short while, I just needed to sleep so the pain could just lay dormant. He tried to talk to me when I was trying to sleep, but the more he apologized the more I just wanted silence. I slept for two hours.
When I woke up, the first person I needed was Jin. I called Jin and went back to sleep. After a short nap, I decided to wake up and talk to a few friends for a couple of hours. During the time I woke up, he went to sleep. The phone just laid there for hours, and I didn't bother to even touch it. During this time I spoke to Paul, Jim, Leslie, Maurice, and Jay.
Tired as I was I decided to sleep. Before my nap, my mind went blank and before I knew it my thoughts of ending the relationship came back. I can't go every two weeks and having a major fight or feeling badly for what's being done in the relationship. I texted him about getting his own space and mine. I fell asleep.
He called me 9:45 A.M. Eastern time to wake me up for school. He told me he woke up and was sad and crying to my text messages. He kept saying, "I love you," but I was being unresponsive. I just woke up feeling sad, lonely and miserable. He left for class.
I sat here writing for an hour, and he just called me back. Immediately, I started to feel bad again. I hated that feeling. Everytime I heard his voice, it triggered more pain. At that moment, I just had to hang up the phone because I couldn't control my feelings.
Will we make it through this? You just text me. You should know the answer. Maybe you need to contemplate your thoughts before approaching me without answers. How far are we planning to go for each other? Ask yourself how much can you tolerate me and then you'll figure out your answer. Love is only love when it's unconditional, and at this point I don't see unconditional. I see a meaningless on going war. Wars should always be ended. No more casualties please.
Yesterday night, I came to the conclusion that Jin is annoyed by me. He doesn't speak much until I ask him to, but then he calls me and sits there quietly. Why is that?
I've asked him, "Why do you bother calling me you're just going to sit there and not say a word? What's the point? And why do I have to get the conversation flowing?"
We both have seperate lives and seperate duties so I do understand that our schedules conflict with each other. Which leads to this problem. I tend to keep him on the phone longer than he wants to be. When he wants to go I keep him for an extra one to five minutes. I can't help it... I just miss him so I want to hear his voice a little longer.
He's been having hives for approximately two days so he's been very edgy with me lately. Two nights ago, he was whiny and snapping at me for about two hours, but I've done that to him also. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just told him I'm going to need my space for a while since we're both so annoyed by each other.
Yesterday morning, he was acting the same way, on edge. I've been extra patient with him, but until yesterday night. I started to get this headache because I didn't eat much the entire day, and it was right after a jog with my nephew. I started to feel faint, and I was starting to see colors. I don't really know why, but I was being so fucking obnoxious. Basically, I wanted him to waitor on me. I asked him to find me two Chinese pop songs. He made a big deal out of it like it was looking for an ancient treasure or something.
At the end of the night, he snapped at me. He told me that when he needed to get off the phone, I need to stop being so clingy. It's because his bluetooth died and so the phone was radiating onto his face. I don't know why a little bit of heat from a phone could make someone say those things. I didn't bother to defend myself since I was so hurt. I felt defeated. Why would he say such mean things to me? After I got off the phone, he started to text me and IM me on AIM to apologize, but sometimes you cannot take back your words. I can't just stop feeling hurt when you want to apologize.
Over a small amount of time, I concluded that most of our conversations, I am the one talking and being annoying. Maybe he should re-prioritize his thoughts before continuing our relationship. I don't need him to say hurtful truths. After a short while, I just needed to sleep so the pain could just lay dormant. He tried to talk to me when I was trying to sleep, but the more he apologized the more I just wanted silence. I slept for two hours.
When I woke up, the first person I needed was Jin. I called Jin and went back to sleep. After a short nap, I decided to wake up and talk to a few friends for a couple of hours. During the time I woke up, he went to sleep. The phone just laid there for hours, and I didn't bother to even touch it. During this time I spoke to Paul, Jim, Leslie, Maurice, and Jay.
Tired as I was I decided to sleep. Before my nap, my mind went blank and before I knew it my thoughts of ending the relationship came back. I can't go every two weeks and having a major fight or feeling badly for what's being done in the relationship. I texted him about getting his own space and mine. I fell asleep.
He called me 9:45 A.M. Eastern time to wake me up for school. He told me he woke up and was sad and crying to my text messages. He kept saying, "I love you," but I was being unresponsive. I just woke up feeling sad, lonely and miserable. He left for class.
I sat here writing for an hour, and he just called me back. Immediately, I started to feel bad again. I hated that feeling. Everytime I heard his voice, it triggered more pain. At that moment, I just had to hang up the phone because I couldn't control my feelings.
Will we make it through this? You just text me. You should know the answer. Maybe you need to contemplate your thoughts before approaching me without answers. How far are we planning to go for each other? Ask yourself how much can you tolerate me and then you'll figure out your answer. Love is only love when it's unconditional, and at this point I don't see unconditional. I see a meaningless on going war. Wars should always be ended. No more casualties please.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Mind Control
"Perspection is reality."
For those whom that know me, I'm a very structured, over-controling, hardworking, and "bitchy" individual. If you don't know me... Well now you get a brief description.
Everything happened on Sunday when I rushed to work, everyone was miserble and irritated. Iwas already too hyper and happy to give a fuck about others. So I did what I always do, I flirted with all my female coworkers and they seem to like it. They all cheered up, and even my assistant manager was smiling afterwards. I got everything finished an fifty seven minutes early and got the fuck out of there.
After I got home, I taught my nephew some yoga. He's only ten so it was hard for him to bend and hold any positions. I do applaud him for taking these lessons seriously because any ten year old child would have laughed, and I would have gotten out my bat to the beat the shit out of them for wasting my time.
After yoga, my whole family drove us to a buffet for dinner. The food was alright and there were a lot to select from. I noticed my nephew only picked the healthy foods I had assigned him the day before. What I did was take my nephew to an environment where he could roam free and eat what he wants. From this experiment, I found out he has a craving for fried foods. I told him to put it down, and he slowly put it into his mouth like I wouldn't notice if he moved slowly. This weird behavior is what we call an eating disorder. When the subject is a fatass and cannot control his eating habits. Hmm yes, very interesting. I shall do more research.
Anyways, while at the restaurant he ate only vegie and meat products. I was very proud. The best part was when my sister and his mom offered him cookies and chocolate ice cream. He looked at me for permission. Talk about a success in brainwashing a child. What his mother spent ten years to do, I've accomplished in less than a month.
People are right when they have certain expectations of me. I have the true image of a young Hitler. I need to have my ways. I'm need to be in complete power of everything (i.e. my nephew and Jin). I always ask my close ones of they're afraid of me and they always answer yes. It's a boost in my ego to hear these things. I can't wait to be a CEO one day, and take control of people's jobs and lives. I probably need a very dedicated assistant that lives to serve me and nothing more. Send your applications in now!
For those whom that know me, I'm a very structured, over-controling, hardworking, and "bitchy" individual. If you don't know me... Well now you get a brief description.
Everything happened on Sunday when I rushed to work, everyone was miserble and irritated. Iwas already too hyper and happy to give a fuck about others. So I did what I always do, I flirted with all my female coworkers and they seem to like it. They all cheered up, and even my assistant manager was smiling afterwards. I got everything finished an fifty seven minutes early and got the fuck out of there.
After I got home, I taught my nephew some yoga. He's only ten so it was hard for him to bend and hold any positions. I do applaud him for taking these lessons seriously because any ten year old child would have laughed, and I would have gotten out my bat to the beat the shit out of them for wasting my time.
After yoga, my whole family drove us to a buffet for dinner. The food was alright and there were a lot to select from. I noticed my nephew only picked the healthy foods I had assigned him the day before. What I did was take my nephew to an environment where he could roam free and eat what he wants. From this experiment, I found out he has a craving for fried foods. I told him to put it down, and he slowly put it into his mouth like I wouldn't notice if he moved slowly. This weird behavior is what we call an eating disorder. When the subject is a fatass and cannot control his eating habits. Hmm yes, very interesting. I shall do more research.
Anyways, while at the restaurant he ate only vegie and meat products. I was very proud. The best part was when my sister and his mom offered him cookies and chocolate ice cream. He looked at me for permission. Talk about a success in brainwashing a child. What his mother spent ten years to do, I've accomplished in less than a month.
People are right when they have certain expectations of me. I have the true image of a young Hitler. I need to have my ways. I'm need to be in complete power of everything (i.e. my nephew and Jin). I always ask my close ones of they're afraid of me and they always answer yes. It's a boost in my ego to hear these things. I can't wait to be a CEO one day, and take control of people's jobs and lives. I probably need a very dedicated assistant that lives to serve me and nothing more. Send your applications in now!
Go Fuck Yourself!
"Love is a chemical reaction."
Just a week ago, I signed onto my hotmail account, and somehow I logged into my ex-boyfriend's email. The hotmail is setup to open the first email whenever you login. The worst thing had happened... God played a trick on me because he hates me. Jason's going on a romantic trip with his new guy. First off, the guy is Spanish and if it's anyone that really know me; I get hella grossed out by hispanics. So the thought of Jason and the hispanic boy sickens me. I'm still not used to the thought of Jason and anyone else banging, and I probably never will be.
Yesterday night was one of those long night when I stay up to think about my past relationship with Jason Tong. I've done all I could possibly think of to move on, but it's never enough. We always said to each other while together or broken apart that we truly do love each other. I guess to put it to the test you really have to be apart for sometime to see if it's true. I tried to fight against true love because sometimes things aren't meant to be and I fully accept that. So in the last few months I've finally realized to let go of the last bits of hope I have for "us." It wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, but it's because we're both sick of the idea of getting back together.
Please get the fuck out of my head Jason, and go fuck yourself! Stop caring for me because I'm sick of you, and your mind games. Don't ask me how I am when I see you, and I won't bother to think of you on some nights. Don't love me anymore so I could have my peace. Let's just move on...
Just a week ago, I signed onto my hotmail account, and somehow I logged into my ex-boyfriend's email. The hotmail is setup to open the first email whenever you login. The worst thing had happened... God played a trick on me because he hates me. Jason's going on a romantic trip with his new guy. First off, the guy is Spanish and if it's anyone that really know me; I get hella grossed out by hispanics. So the thought of Jason and the hispanic boy sickens me. I'm still not used to the thought of Jason and anyone else banging, and I probably never will be.
Yesterday night was one of those long night when I stay up to think about my past relationship with Jason Tong. I've done all I could possibly think of to move on, but it's never enough. We always said to each other while together or broken apart that we truly do love each other. I guess to put it to the test you really have to be apart for sometime to see if it's true. I tried to fight against true love because sometimes things aren't meant to be and I fully accept that. So in the last few months I've finally realized to let go of the last bits of hope I have for "us." It wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, but it's because we're both sick of the idea of getting back together.
Please get the fuck out of my head Jason, and go fuck yourself! Stop caring for me because I'm sick of you, and your mind games. Don't ask me how I am when I see you, and I won't bother to think of you on some nights. Don't love me anymore so I could have my peace. Let's just move on...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Another Sunday...
So this morning I was awakened by my best friend. She is studyig abroad in Japan right now and we haven't seen each other since July. Well, I only had five and a half hours of sleep and I was hella grumpy when I woke up her phone call. Apparently, I told her I need my beauty sleep and she did not give a damn. I told her to get the fuck out of my life you stupid whore. At that point she was ready to gossip, and I was ready to throw the phone out the window. The stupid cunt finally hung up because I promised to give her a phone call back on Tuesday.
After that phone call, I could not go back to sleep so I called Jinnifer and he wouldn't wake the fuck up because it's hibernation season in New York. He slept for twelve hours. Just imagine the weight gain from that sleep. So then I decided to go for a run with my nephew because I'm helping him lose 32 lbs. After ten minutes of the run, he cried to me because it was "sunny." WTF... How the fuck am I suppose to control the effing weather? "Stfu run," I said to him. He ran his piggy ass home...
After we got home, he cried while stretching in my room. Just imagine the fat image. So then his mother called him downstairs and asked him, "Why are you crying Alex? Look in the mirror. Go wipe your face. It looks like mess. I don't to talk to you when you're a mess." After she grounded for being so inactive (no games for a day). I went to talk to Jin, and told him to work out for two hours.
While rushing myself to lunch with my nephew and his mom, I was two minutes late to work. I only worked two hours today and I got to pick my shift because they are about to promote me to leading sales manager. After I got home from work, I called Jin up. He was shopping with his family and couldn't talk to me. He told me he's going to call me back in one or two hours but he didn't call me. He texted me three and a half hours later and I was already too tired to make a big deal out of it like usual. I told him we're still together since today was the deadline for me to see if he could not mess up for a week.
There's more but the information is a bit private with my talk with my friend "J."
After that phone call, I could not go back to sleep so I called Jinnifer and he wouldn't wake the fuck up because it's hibernation season in New York. He slept for twelve hours. Just imagine the weight gain from that sleep. So then I decided to go for a run with my nephew because I'm helping him lose 32 lbs. After ten minutes of the run, he cried to me because it was "sunny." WTF... How the fuck am I suppose to control the effing weather? "Stfu run," I said to him. He ran his piggy ass home...
After we got home, he cried while stretching in my room. Just imagine the fat image. So then his mother called him downstairs and asked him, "Why are you crying Alex? Look in the mirror. Go wipe your face. It looks like mess. I don't to talk to you when you're a mess." After she grounded for being so inactive (no games for a day). I went to talk to Jin, and told him to work out for two hours.
While rushing myself to lunch with my nephew and his mom, I was two minutes late to work. I only worked two hours today and I got to pick my shift because they are about to promote me to leading sales manager. After I got home from work, I called Jin up. He was shopping with his family and couldn't talk to me. He told me he's going to call me back in one or two hours but he didn't call me. He texted me three and a half hours later and I was already too tired to make a big deal out of it like usual. I told him we're still together since today was the deadline for me to see if he could not mess up for a week.
There's more but the information is a bit private with my talk with my friend "J."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
One of Those Nights Again...
Everyone wants acceptance, but what happens when you can't accept anymore?
I lay here tonight thinking of Jin... We just had a conversation about a deadline (Sunday) for our relationship. The reason for the deadline is linked from a previous fight we had about our issues with each other. This week I had higher expectations for Jin than I did regularly. I thought he would do something to blow me away, prove his love for me somehow, or better yet, show me that we won't have to fight over small issues.
Again, I misunderstood what he meant to tell me. We were going to wait until Sunday to see how we feel about each other. Since this week has been so joyful, he thought the deadline was lifted and there was nothing to worry about. I on the other hand, still acknowledged there was a deadline to uphold. I loved every second of this week, but I fear that we might revert back to our earlier problems once the deadline is lifted.
Before Jin fell asleep, he uttered the words, "I love you." It's always very dearingly sweet to hear these rare words. My heart just flutters sometimes.
Acceptance... I have never been in a relationship with anyone remotely close to his level of personality, knowledge, or experience. He wants me to accept him and he feels like I have higher standards than we he can uphold. I told him tonight, "I have been trying extremely hard to except you. I have never dated anyone as young as you. There are moments were you lack experience, which my ex-boyfriends would have known what to do in that scenario. I've tried very hard to accept you. I tried... and that's all I could do. I'm trying very hard."
I lay here tonight thinking of Jin... We just had a conversation about a deadline (Sunday) for our relationship. The reason for the deadline is linked from a previous fight we had about our issues with each other. This week I had higher expectations for Jin than I did regularly. I thought he would do something to blow me away, prove his love for me somehow, or better yet, show me that we won't have to fight over small issues.
Again, I misunderstood what he meant to tell me. We were going to wait until Sunday to see how we feel about each other. Since this week has been so joyful, he thought the deadline was lifted and there was nothing to worry about. I on the other hand, still acknowledged there was a deadline to uphold. I loved every second of this week, but I fear that we might revert back to our earlier problems once the deadline is lifted.
Before Jin fell asleep, he uttered the words, "I love you." It's always very dearingly sweet to hear these rare words. My heart just flutters sometimes.
Acceptance... I have never been in a relationship with anyone remotely close to his level of personality, knowledge, or experience. He wants me to accept him and he feels like I have higher standards than we he can uphold. I told him tonight, "I have been trying extremely hard to except you. I have never dated anyone as young as you. There are moments were you lack experience, which my ex-boyfriends would have known what to do in that scenario. I've tried very hard to accept you. I tried... and that's all I could do. I'm trying very hard."
First Day
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you just have to figure out how to catch it.
Lately my life's been just fine, but I'm still not satisfied with what I have. Call me greedy, but I want more in life than just "success."
I'm successful at my school and my work, but I feel that I haven't achieved my goal in life. I'm not completely happy with my relationship life. Ive been seeing Jin since July, and our relationship have been excelling steadily. I've been always been in fast moving relationships so it has not been easy for me.
I am a dominating, controlling, and an over-achieving person. I want the best boyfriend out there. I want to excel pass any expectation I have for myself. I want to graduate at the top of my class to prove my superiority. I am on the road to these accomplishments, and I feel like I'm half-way there. I lack patience, sensitivity, and appreciation because I'm always occupying myself with new projects that I never tend to take my time to appreciate what I have already.
My model is, "Get over it!" If you're my friend and you're being a little bitch to me and telling me your problems then I'm going to have to tell you to get the fuck over it! I don't have the time to babysit anyone. I don't have the patience to hear your drama you call your life. I don't like to be affectionate unless it's with my boyfriend. Don't expect me to hold back. I'm a jerk... Accept it or move on. I don't care. Love me or hate me, that's just how I am.
Lately my life's been just fine, but I'm still not satisfied with what I have. Call me greedy, but I want more in life than just "success."
I'm successful at my school and my work, but I feel that I haven't achieved my goal in life. I'm not completely happy with my relationship life. Ive been seeing Jin since July, and our relationship have been excelling steadily. I've been always been in fast moving relationships so it has not been easy for me.
I am a dominating, controlling, and an over-achieving person. I want the best boyfriend out there. I want to excel pass any expectation I have for myself. I want to graduate at the top of my class to prove my superiority. I am on the road to these accomplishments, and I feel like I'm half-way there. I lack patience, sensitivity, and appreciation because I'm always occupying myself with new projects that I never tend to take my time to appreciate what I have already.
My model is, "Get over it!" If you're my friend and you're being a little bitch to me and telling me your problems then I'm going to have to tell you to get the fuck over it! I don't have the time to babysit anyone. I don't have the patience to hear your drama you call your life. I don't like to be affectionate unless it's with my boyfriend. Don't expect me to hold back. I'm a jerk... Accept it or move on. I don't care. Love me or hate me, that's just how I am.
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