Friday
I woke up late for school because once again I stayed up with Jin to play Perfect World. Jin was suppose to wake me up but completely forgot. I spent the day with Jin whilst he repeatedly asked me if he could go to a birthday party the very next night. My response was an obvious, "No," but he never ceases to disappoint me. I've been asking him to go to his house for a month because I want to speak to him where he could act comfortably instead of hiding his sexuality from his roommate by speaking with caution. I try not to mind that he's still downe, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating to not get the reply you want in a conversation. We played games to some hour of the night and we both fell asleep on the phone.
Saturday
I woke up before Jin called me that morning at 7:45 A.M. to get ready for work. While I was driving to work I called Jin and he accompanied me to go to work. He asked me again if he could go to the party and received the same answer. While I was at work, I got his text messages that he's going to a baby shower with his mom because she made him go. I believe if you're 19 years old you should be in control of your life. He didn't know the hosts of the baby shower so why bother going. I don't understand the logical reasoning that he's trying to project. When I rushed out of work, the first thing I did was call Jin to ask him what was going on, but he had already left to the train station to head over to the baby shower. I was sadden by his lack effort to stay with me and fulfill my request since it was our four months anniversary. Maybe he will surprise me tonight...
As midnight approached, I didn't receive a phone call from him until 1:00 A.M., but at that time it was too late. I rushed home from work for nothing. The day flew by so quickly. He didn't come home until 2:30 A.M. We played games until 5:00 A.M., and fell asleep on the phone. The deal for breaking his promise to stay home was to wake the both of us up at 1:00 P.M., so that the day wouldn't be wasted away.
Sunday
I woke up at 12:00 P.M., but I didn't wake up completely nor call Jin because I thought he'd be punctual today because I emphasized it so much. I fell back to sleep and I didn't wake up until 4:00 P.M. I felt disappointed. I wanted to give our anniversary another chance on Sunday, but there was barely 8 hours left in the day. What's there to cherish? I don't really know why I bothered with him. He called me and sounded sleepy. He apologized, but I've heard it so many times now that it wouldn't have made a dent into my emotions. I felt voided of all emotions except rage and disappointment. I finally asked him if he knew was yesterday was, but his response was a very stupid one. He told me, "Yesterday was Saturday and you had to work."
He missed our second month anniversary because he had to study for his exam, which I tried to be understanding. He didn't say anything until the very next day. Now that he missed the fourth month, there was only one thing I should have done. My first instinct was to just give up. I told him that the one request I asked was unfulfilled. He didn't leave me for any plausible reason. He started to cry softly. I also told him that he didn't just miss the fourth month anniversary, but forgot it as well. Then finally, I told him that he asked the dumbest question a boyfriend could ask. He wanted to go out to a party on our anniversary. Why could I bother anymore.
I'm wasting my time with him. I told him I want it to end. We should see other people. He asked me if he could continue speaking to me, but I felt like it would be redundant if we did continue. All we do is talk, then shouldn't a break up mean to stop talking? He asked me for equality. I spoke to all my ex-boyfriends after we broke up, but the sad fact is that none of them are really dependable. They're not in my life, and I don't talk to then often. He started to sob loudly. Then uncontrollably when I told him to speak. Then out of the blue, he asked to marry me. I thought he was ludacris to ask me this question. The obvious answer was no.
I could feel his heart break, and listen to the fear of being abandoned by a love one in his cries. At that moment it reminded me of an incident that I caused at 4:00 A.M., on December 27, 2007, I broke Jason's heart. I never forgave neither of us for parting so easily, but as time progressed, I learned to cope. I felt like I was doing this exact same thing to Jin. At that moment, I started to cry as well. Tears went down my face as I lie on my bed thinking of how I could just continue to scar the hearts of others, and especially those that I love. He kept saying please don't leave me, and in the midst of the break up I couldn't give him a yes or no answer. I just said I love you because that's what I felt during that split second.
He started to sob even loudly and his breathing became even more unstable. I gave him a few minutes to collect himself on his own but it didn't seem to go anywhere. I told him to stop crying and go wash his face. He still did as he was told. He still wanted to do what I wanted from him. He still was willing to give when I wanted to take away the love he cherished so dearly. After he came back, I told him that I will stay. I can't leave him. I just laid there with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms as tightly as possible so I could show him how much I love him. It was really hard to not express any physical affection because we both needed it desperately. I just wanted to reassure him so he would stop hurting. I told him to go play Perfect World so we could get our minds off of the near break up that we just had.
Throughout the day, we just spent every second with each other. I think we both got scared about thought of losing each other. Jin fell asleep on the phone while I stayed up to study for my midterm. In between my studying, Mrs. J tried to break up with his boyfriend as well, but just like me, it was unsuccessful. It's not the fear of being alone, but it's the fear of losing someone we love that kept us in our relationships. I just wish Mrs. J's relationship was more about the couple than the domineering boyfriend.
I thought that if I let him go, I'd have to spend a certain amount of time being single. I would never find anyone like him that would love me the way he loves me. I would have to rebuild another relationship that may end up badly. I would have to break another person's heart, and maybe even mine. Those were the realizations I made that day.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Insomnia
I guess I've been becoming some sort of an insomniac lately because no matter what time I sleep, I'll wake up in the middle of the night to watch movies or think about my current/past relationships. Tonight was not such a great night to begin with because Jin and I had fought about his punctuality issues again. He says I've been even more critical and intolerant lately, but if you don't make a mistake about punctuality then I wouldn't have to get in your face about it. I think we both have our buttons and I expect him to figure that out by now. I asked him tonight what makes me tick and what makes me happy? His answers were just so-so but not really there yet. That worries me a lot because it just says (hopefully) either he didn't think about his answer enough because he was too nervous, or (sadly) he just doesn't know at all.
It was a pretty heated conversation, but in the end he apologized. I don't think he apologized for the right reasons though, but I was too tired to bring up another issue. He apologized for the argument. Arguing to prove your point is completely fine, but the apology should have been towards not keeping your word. I hope your realize that by telling me you're going to do something then you're going to do it. It shouldn't be late and trying justify things with the fact that you're going to get to it is very irresponsible. There's a billion scenarios I could give you to hopefully make you understand this concept, but you're probably not going to understand. I just hope you understand a more basic concept that making me waste my time to wait for you to do something is very inconsiderate and disrespectful towards me. It's one of my pet peeves so please try to keep your word when you say them or be on time when you have deadline. I know you have many pet peeves as well and I try not to push them as much as possible.
For example, tonight I called you retarded because you didn't understand a concept that I thought was basic understanding to most common people. I understand that a comment like that is rude and unnecessary, but sometimes I have to make you angry to motivate your thinking. It's not easy to talk to you because I believe you only try to listen and comprehend what I have to say when we are fighting. Of course, none of our fights would be consider major, but they are very repetitive which is never a good thing.
I accomplish something that I've been trying to do for almost a year tonight and I'm very proud but sad at the same time for doing it. I deleted Jason's contact information off my computer. I no longer have his emails, screen names, or any of his data. I think I've finally become unaffected by the fact that he's no longer apart of my life. I pushed him out of my life so now I have to do the next few steps to complete my goal. Hopefully, one day I'll delete his phone number off my phone, delete his text messages, and throw away everything that is given to me which I store in a box inside of my closet. It's very sad that I still hold onto bits and pieces of our broken and past relationship, but it's still a scary thought to have nothing left of it. I guess I still need the training wheels, and I'm just not yet ready to pedal without them.
Last thing on my agenda tonight is that the next upcoming weeks I will be having exams and finals. Most of my exams are a week or less before my finals. I don't understand why professors do that. It's very redundant to test the material twice in a small span of time. Hopefully, I won't cut myself and bleed to death before things end. Also, my birthday is coming up and I don't have anyone to celebrate it with because he's stuck in New York. I know I will be working that day so there's not much that I would look forward to on that day. I haven't been speaking to my friends much lately because my excuses are I've been sick, I have a Jin to take care of, or my all time favorite, I am a straight A student that works part-time. Well, you guys could pick and choose, but please spare me the cynical comments. Night!!!
It was a pretty heated conversation, but in the end he apologized. I don't think he apologized for the right reasons though, but I was too tired to bring up another issue. He apologized for the argument. Arguing to prove your point is completely fine, but the apology should have been towards not keeping your word. I hope your realize that by telling me you're going to do something then you're going to do it. It shouldn't be late and trying justify things with the fact that you're going to get to it is very irresponsible. There's a billion scenarios I could give you to hopefully make you understand this concept, but you're probably not going to understand. I just hope you understand a more basic concept that making me waste my time to wait for you to do something is very inconsiderate and disrespectful towards me. It's one of my pet peeves so please try to keep your word when you say them or be on time when you have deadline. I know you have many pet peeves as well and I try not to push them as much as possible.
For example, tonight I called you retarded because you didn't understand a concept that I thought was basic understanding to most common people. I understand that a comment like that is rude and unnecessary, but sometimes I have to make you angry to motivate your thinking. It's not easy to talk to you because I believe you only try to listen and comprehend what I have to say when we are fighting. Of course, none of our fights would be consider major, but they are very repetitive which is never a good thing.
I accomplish something that I've been trying to do for almost a year tonight and I'm very proud but sad at the same time for doing it. I deleted Jason's contact information off my computer. I no longer have his emails, screen names, or any of his data. I think I've finally become unaffected by the fact that he's no longer apart of my life. I pushed him out of my life so now I have to do the next few steps to complete my goal. Hopefully, one day I'll delete his phone number off my phone, delete his text messages, and throw away everything that is given to me which I store in a box inside of my closet. It's very sad that I still hold onto bits and pieces of our broken and past relationship, but it's still a scary thought to have nothing left of it. I guess I still need the training wheels, and I'm just not yet ready to pedal without them.
Last thing on my agenda tonight is that the next upcoming weeks I will be having exams and finals. Most of my exams are a week or less before my finals. I don't understand why professors do that. It's very redundant to test the material twice in a small span of time. Hopefully, I won't cut myself and bleed to death before things end. Also, my birthday is coming up and I don't have anyone to celebrate it with because he's stuck in New York. I know I will be working that day so there's not much that I would look forward to on that day. I haven't been speaking to my friends much lately because my excuses are I've been sick, I have a Jin to take care of, or my all time favorite, I am a straight A student that works part-time. Well, you guys could pick and choose, but please spare me the cynical comments. Night!!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Bitter Truths of Life
The last few nights have not been so kind to me because I've been staying up thinking about my life. Sometimes having a boyfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be and so many people don't understand that. They just think having a significant other means cotton candy, laughter, and carefree bliss. Since I've been going out with Jin, I've had to confront many of my inner demons and so far none of them really phase me except for one. I don't know when I'll learn to be completely committed, but I wish the day comes sooner than later.
It's been almost four months now, and I try to cherish every moment I have with him. I've gone through so many stages in a couple of short weeks. From boredom to excitement, sadness to bliss, confused to clarity, and so much more. It sounds like a rocky relationship, but there isn't a major problem. There's no infidelity, lack of communication/emotions, or any hatred for each other. It just sounds so blend sometimes. What's the big excitement? I often wonder what else does this relationship offer? I'll find out in January when I see you Jin.
I keep asking myself how long can I see myself prolonging this long distance relationship, and the answer hasn't come to me yet, so it seems to be a pretty long time. Some nights I lay on my bed alone, listening to his breathing on the phone to accompany me, but lately it just seems so pointless. My mind and body desires more than what's offered, but there's nothing I could do now. I just have to wait. What can I do when I want to embrace his smooth body, caress his gentle face, and lean into his face for a voluptuous, heart-stopping kiss? The answer is that I can't and it hurts me to realize that. How can I share moments with him when he's not here to share those moments with? Yes, we're on the phone all day and night, but is it enough? I can't see what he sees, tastes what he tastes, smell what he smells, etc. We try to have a feel of the other's environment and make things as real as it is, but maybe it's time I needed something much more than that. I do realize that I should be grateful, which I am. It's been four months, and so does that entitle me to be able to yearn for something physical and more realistic without being blamed? Maybe... Maybe not...
This morning Paul Fung woke me up on his ride home from work, and flirted with me as if he wanted me to be his boyfriend. There were a few hints, for instance, he suggested that I should bring him some food to his work place, which he commented that good boyfriends often do that. Then later tonight, I interrogated him about what he's doing and where is he going with this. I asked him if someone I barely knew were to flirt with me what would he do. He said I'm not his to defend, but he would get jealous. That pretty much answered any curiosity I had about his feelings. As the interrogation progressed he did admit that he likes status quo, and he wishes something to progress out of this, but the answer is an obvious no to me. I won't step over that boundary. Yes, Paul is an emotional relief to my relationship with Jin, but I put our relationship through this type of turmoil. He deserves better.
Back when I knew Paul and we were in the talking phase things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be, and we ended up just being friends. Then one day we started to talk again, and he didn't seem to change so I thought it would be safe to be friends. The longer this friendship progressed, the more affectionate he gets. Tonight, he tried to call me, but I told him to just go to sleep. I haven't spoken to him in almost a whole week, except for yesterday. I hope we just stay friends, and I know writing it and saying it are two different things. Hopefully, I won't have to make any uncomfortable confrontations to change any problems we have.
It's been almost four months now, and I try to cherish every moment I have with him. I've gone through so many stages in a couple of short weeks. From boredom to excitement, sadness to bliss, confused to clarity, and so much more. It sounds like a rocky relationship, but there isn't a major problem. There's no infidelity, lack of communication/emotions, or any hatred for each other. It just sounds so blend sometimes. What's the big excitement? I often wonder what else does this relationship offer? I'll find out in January when I see you Jin.
I keep asking myself how long can I see myself prolonging this long distance relationship, and the answer hasn't come to me yet, so it seems to be a pretty long time. Some nights I lay on my bed alone, listening to his breathing on the phone to accompany me, but lately it just seems so pointless. My mind and body desires more than what's offered, but there's nothing I could do now. I just have to wait. What can I do when I want to embrace his smooth body, caress his gentle face, and lean into his face for a voluptuous, heart-stopping kiss? The answer is that I can't and it hurts me to realize that. How can I share moments with him when he's not here to share those moments with? Yes, we're on the phone all day and night, but is it enough? I can't see what he sees, tastes what he tastes, smell what he smells, etc. We try to have a feel of the other's environment and make things as real as it is, but maybe it's time I needed something much more than that. I do realize that I should be grateful, which I am. It's been four months, and so does that entitle me to be able to yearn for something physical and more realistic without being blamed? Maybe... Maybe not...
This morning Paul Fung woke me up on his ride home from work, and flirted with me as if he wanted me to be his boyfriend. There were a few hints, for instance, he suggested that I should bring him some food to his work place, which he commented that good boyfriends often do that. Then later tonight, I interrogated him about what he's doing and where is he going with this. I asked him if someone I barely knew were to flirt with me what would he do. He said I'm not his to defend, but he would get jealous. That pretty much answered any curiosity I had about his feelings. As the interrogation progressed he did admit that he likes status quo, and he wishes something to progress out of this, but the answer is an obvious no to me. I won't step over that boundary. Yes, Paul is an emotional relief to my relationship with Jin, but I put our relationship through this type of turmoil. He deserves better.
Back when I knew Paul and we were in the talking phase things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be, and we ended up just being friends. Then one day we started to talk again, and he didn't seem to change so I thought it would be safe to be friends. The longer this friendship progressed, the more affectionate he gets. Tonight, he tried to call me, but I told him to just go to sleep. I haven't spoken to him in almost a whole week, except for yesterday. I hope we just stay friends, and I know writing it and saying it are two different things. Hopefully, I won't have to make any uncomfortable confrontations to change any problems we have.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Nov. 14
Just for the record Mrs J is now just Miss J. She is on the rag and her boyfriend's a egocentric bitch, so she's come back to the single life.
Lately, I don't know what Mr. J is doing. He seems to be flying by each day either by studying, watching tv, or blogging on the internet. You should ask yourself what you want in life and the answer is simple. Your purpose is to please me. Miss Jay on the other hand has been overwhelmed with midterms, essays, and one bitch. The bitch is gone. Ding dong the bitch is dead!
Next topic... Jin Jin Chubby Pants is on the last brink of my patience. He likes to fight on Fridays, Saturdays, and sometimes even Sundays because he has nothing better to do. I just don't understand why we have to get into silly arguments. He has this god-brother which I think has a major crush on him. Jin may not like him back the same way but his god-brother shows more jealousy than a girl walking into her man cheating. I don't know what the guy's deals is but he calls Jin about once or twice per day, asks Jin why he would go to clubs, and hates me for being with Jin. With all that said, the plot thickens. DUN, DUN, DUN!
Tonight Jin shared with me this vacation that he and his god-brother planned out for the upcoming summer. "Now why haven't you ever mentioned going away to Korea with your god-brother," I said. I already told Jin this afternoon how I view his god-brother, but yet, Jin's amazing negligence surpasses his name. I'm thinking like, "Wow, you're telling me you love AND you're dating me, BUT you're going on a one month summer vacation with another guy, which I have never met? REALLY JIN REALLY?!?!?"
There's this funny thing about Koreans, they like to make close friends or dates on the streets and call them their god-brother/sister. I would love to tell all my past lovers that I have so many brothers and sisters so they would never figure out that I'm cheating (this is sarcasm for the fairly stupid people out there reading this blog)! I think he finds new and enjoyable ways to shock and make me angry each day.
My previous plan was to see Jin a week before my birthday and fly back the night of the 23rd since his other boyfriend is flying into see him the very next day. The plan I proposed tonight was that I would work full time in December, fly into New York on January 3rd and fly back on January 16th. Jin would fly to California on Spring Break for a week, and then we'd figure out what to do for the summer.
The best part was that his god-brother and he both planned this trip out before Jin ever met me, but Jin's never brought it up to me OR even FUCKING INVITE ME! That's pretty much going up to someone and telling them about a party you're going to have and never invite them. What a dick move! Btw, he invited me after I told him that he didn't invite me. Go shove your invite up your ass Jin!
I think it's time to date other people. I'm going to be single soon. Any takers?
Lately, I don't know what Mr. J is doing. He seems to be flying by each day either by studying, watching tv, or blogging on the internet. You should ask yourself what you want in life and the answer is simple. Your purpose is to please me. Miss Jay on the other hand has been overwhelmed with midterms, essays, and one bitch. The bitch is gone. Ding dong the bitch is dead!
Next topic... Jin Jin Chubby Pants is on the last brink of my patience. He likes to fight on Fridays, Saturdays, and sometimes even Sundays because he has nothing better to do. I just don't understand why we have to get into silly arguments. He has this god-brother which I think has a major crush on him. Jin may not like him back the same way but his god-brother shows more jealousy than a girl walking into her man cheating. I don't know what the guy's deals is but he calls Jin about once or twice per day, asks Jin why he would go to clubs, and hates me for being with Jin. With all that said, the plot thickens. DUN, DUN, DUN!
Tonight Jin shared with me this vacation that he and his god-brother planned out for the upcoming summer. "Now why haven't you ever mentioned going away to Korea with your god-brother," I said. I already told Jin this afternoon how I view his god-brother, but yet, Jin's amazing negligence surpasses his name. I'm thinking like, "Wow, you're telling me you love AND you're dating me, BUT you're going on a one month summer vacation with another guy, which I have never met? REALLY JIN REALLY?!?!?"
There's this funny thing about Koreans, they like to make close friends or dates on the streets and call them their god-brother/sister. I would love to tell all my past lovers that I have so many brothers and sisters so they would never figure out that I'm cheating (this is sarcasm for the fairly stupid people out there reading this blog)! I think he finds new and enjoyable ways to shock and make me angry each day.
My previous plan was to see Jin a week before my birthday and fly back the night of the 23rd since his other boyfriend is flying into see him the very next day. The plan I proposed tonight was that I would work full time in December, fly into New York on January 3rd and fly back on January 16th. Jin would fly to California on Spring Break for a week, and then we'd figure out what to do for the summer.
The best part was that his god-brother and he both planned this trip out before Jin ever met me, but Jin's never brought it up to me OR even FUCKING INVITE ME! That's pretty much going up to someone and telling them about a party you're going to have and never invite them. What a dick move! Btw, he invited me after I told him that he didn't invite me. Go shove your invite up your ass Jin!
I think it's time to date other people. I'm going to be single soon. Any takers?
Friday, November 14, 2008
My Reponse
To Jin:
If you don't get how to function in a relationship with me by now then I don't know what to say anymore. We've spoken about how/why to function in our relationship but yet you never seem to fail to disappoint me. Why are you always leading things to a diaster? Why can't you just tell yourself, "Hey I have to do this on my own without Scott having to tell me what to do because it will make him sad/mad/crazy/happy." No one has to tell me how to operate to make this relationship flow. Why can't you be like that? Of course, I understand that you're 19, but with that being said, it's not a plausible excuse. I try my best to accept you for who you are, what you look like, how smart you are, and countless other things. It's not about me being too picky, but it's about keeping your promises.
You've been promising me to write a blog to show your emotions dating back two months ago, but do you notice that all your blogs are always motivated by me nagging at you to write one? Why do we have to fight about such insignificant things? No, it's not that I won't let it go because I do! Too many times so on the 100th time, I'm likely to explode. Think ahead Jin! Let's paint a scenario that will happen! It's our one year anniversary, and you buy me a present. That's it... There is no special date or even a lovely day. You'll be waiting at home for me to do something special. We're equally apart of this relationship. I just wish you would figure out how to become more ambitious. Please no more smart comments when we're having a serious discussion either. Learn how grow up...
If you don't get how to function in a relationship with me by now then I don't know what to say anymore. We've spoken about how/why to function in our relationship but yet you never seem to fail to disappoint me. Why are you always leading things to a diaster? Why can't you just tell yourself, "Hey I have to do this on my own without Scott having to tell me what to do because it will make him sad/mad/crazy/happy." No one has to tell me how to operate to make this relationship flow. Why can't you be like that? Of course, I understand that you're 19, but with that being said, it's not a plausible excuse. I try my best to accept you for who you are, what you look like, how smart you are, and countless other things. It's not about me being too picky, but it's about keeping your promises.
You've been promising me to write a blog to show your emotions dating back two months ago, but do you notice that all your blogs are always motivated by me nagging at you to write one? Why do we have to fight about such insignificant things? No, it's not that I won't let it go because I do! Too many times so on the 100th time, I'm likely to explode. Think ahead Jin! Let's paint a scenario that will happen! It's our one year anniversary, and you buy me a present. That's it... There is no special date or even a lovely day. You'll be waiting at home for me to do something special. We're equally apart of this relationship. I just wish you would figure out how to become more ambitious. Please no more smart comments when we're having a serious discussion either. Learn how grow up...
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Days that Fly By
So... I've been sick today. I woke up and felt like shit. I couldn't breathe through my nose and my throat was dried up like someone shoved sand down there. I slept this whole and I barely drank or ate anything. I ate two salads with croutons. Ugh, I should have stayed away from those croutons =(
So, I've been speaking to Paul almost every night and he seem to be doing better emotionally. I've never met anyone that puts himself down as much as he does. I understand that some people can be really hard on themselves, like myself for example. I've always competed for the best in everything and it has open many doors for me. Paul on the other hand has been hard on himself since he was a kid. Many people has been making fun of him since he was in middle school for being too skinny. Well, I've been told that I'm a jerk, bitch, etc... I think it's best to embrace your characteristics if they are unchangable in a certain period of time.
Tonight was probably the worst night for him. He stayed up to tell himself that, "I have no boyfriend nor will I ever have one because I'm ugly. Even straight guys who seem to like me as a person wouldn't like me if they were gay." Honestly, it's self-pity... Why do this to yourself? It causes so much unnecessary drama. I think after so many years of being put down, he's developed a second nature to put himself down.
Jin on the other hand has been very laid back lately. I don't know if he's ready to grow up yet. What will he do if we broke up? Who's going to be his motivation? I think that I play a big part in his life. If I'm not there then he wouldn't function like an adult. There's nothing wrong with our relationship lately but I just like to have some sort of a perspective on what/where this relationship is. It's my instinct to always define everything.
Finally, I've been given an opportunity to get a well-paid job in Washington D.C. after graduation, but I'm very much attached to my life here. It's going to be a hard to leave everything behind but I must do what's best for my future. Sometimes you just have to do what's right even though it's not what you initially want. It does take away the fear of being jobless after graduation, but with my ambition I don't think it would be possible. I always plan ahead anyways.
Each day has been drifting by slowly, but I suppose that's life. I can't always expect something exciting to happen. I did get a new $700-800 bed this week but even that doesn't excite me. My mom and I are going shopping tomorrow to find a round carpet and small dining table for my room. Hopefully, I'll get back the excitement and adventure that I used to feel back when I was a child. Wish everyone a good night. Much <3
So, I've been speaking to Paul almost every night and he seem to be doing better emotionally. I've never met anyone that puts himself down as much as he does. I understand that some people can be really hard on themselves, like myself for example. I've always competed for the best in everything and it has open many doors for me. Paul on the other hand has been hard on himself since he was a kid. Many people has been making fun of him since he was in middle school for being too skinny. Well, I've been told that I'm a jerk, bitch, etc... I think it's best to embrace your characteristics if they are unchangable in a certain period of time.
Tonight was probably the worst night for him. He stayed up to tell himself that, "I have no boyfriend nor will I ever have one because I'm ugly. Even straight guys who seem to like me as a person wouldn't like me if they were gay." Honestly, it's self-pity... Why do this to yourself? It causes so much unnecessary drama. I think after so many years of being put down, he's developed a second nature to put himself down.
Jin on the other hand has been very laid back lately. I don't know if he's ready to grow up yet. What will he do if we broke up? Who's going to be his motivation? I think that I play a big part in his life. If I'm not there then he wouldn't function like an adult. There's nothing wrong with our relationship lately but I just like to have some sort of a perspective on what/where this relationship is. It's my instinct to always define everything.
Finally, I've been given an opportunity to get a well-paid job in Washington D.C. after graduation, but I'm very much attached to my life here. It's going to be a hard to leave everything behind but I must do what's best for my future. Sometimes you just have to do what's right even though it's not what you initially want. It does take away the fear of being jobless after graduation, but with my ambition I don't think it would be possible. I always plan ahead anyways.
Each day has been drifting by slowly, but I suppose that's life. I can't always expect something exciting to happen. I did get a new $700-800 bed this week but even that doesn't excite me. My mom and I are going shopping tomorrow to find a round carpet and small dining table for my room. Hopefully, I'll get back the excitement and adventure that I used to feel back when I was a child. Wish everyone a good night. Much <3
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Weekly Events
So I haven't wrote anything for about a week and I'm soooo sorry! I would like to do some self-reflection on my own time but I've been focusing too much on Jin, school and work.
Lately, I haven't had any fight with Jin except one two nights ago. Actually, it was just a disagreement. I wanted him to study until his eyes bleed but he thought I was too extreme. I'm a communist what can I say? We've been very lovey & dovey but there's some people in the way.
The first person is his god brother Jin (same name). His god brother is 27 years old and single. He's been talking to several people but he's really confused about his sexuality. He has a 'bottom' personality but he's talking to this girl. I don't really understand why he would just plan for a tragedy like this. He is coming to New York on December 24th and that would ruin my trip to New York because he's been an objection in our relationship since July. I don't like him and he doesn't like me. The end.
The second person is Paul. Paul has been flirting with me and I haven't really put a stop to it because that's just how he's always spoken to me. How do you tell someone to talk differently when that's their personality? I could have a soft spot for him but who knows? He called me tonight and spoke to me about what dates & boyfriends meant to him. For some reason, it seem like he was directing them towards me but I might just play dumb until things are more clear.
My friends Mr J and Mrs J both have been studying for their midterms. Mrs J love her boyfriend and just wants to enjoy the happiness of the relationship but ignoring the issues. Mr J has been talking to me every night but has been a meanie pants. I will donkey punch him when I see him. You know who you are!
Okay, guess this is the end of the blog. Hopefully, I'll update my blogs when I'm not dying from lost of sleep.
Lately, I haven't had any fight with Jin except one two nights ago. Actually, it was just a disagreement. I wanted him to study until his eyes bleed but he thought I was too extreme. I'm a communist what can I say? We've been very lovey & dovey but there's some people in the way.
The first person is his god brother Jin (same name). His god brother is 27 years old and single. He's been talking to several people but he's really confused about his sexuality. He has a 'bottom' personality but he's talking to this girl. I don't really understand why he would just plan for a tragedy like this. He is coming to New York on December 24th and that would ruin my trip to New York because he's been an objection in our relationship since July. I don't like him and he doesn't like me. The end.
The second person is Paul. Paul has been flirting with me and I haven't really put a stop to it because that's just how he's always spoken to me. How do you tell someone to talk differently when that's their personality? I could have a soft spot for him but who knows? He called me tonight and spoke to me about what dates & boyfriends meant to him. For some reason, it seem like he was directing them towards me but I might just play dumb until things are more clear.
My friends Mr J and Mrs J both have been studying for their midterms. Mrs J love her boyfriend and just wants to enjoy the happiness of the relationship but ignoring the issues. Mr J has been talking to me every night but has been a meanie pants. I will donkey punch him when I see him. You know who you are!
Okay, guess this is the end of the blog. Hopefully, I'll update my blogs when I'm not dying from lost of sleep.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Few Words Before My Sleep
Today I woke up at 1:10 A.M., and spoke to Jim. We had a very light chat, and he wants to make Jin jealous because it amuses him. No, he doesn't have a life. He exists only for the purpose to be my bitch. He's been leaving me love notes on his blog, on my DL pages, and in his heart. He loves me, but he's too much of a pussy to say so. Oh well, that's what happens when your vagina is so big.
Poor Va-Jay-Jay has been feeling upsy and downsy lately thanks to the fucking asshole, motherfucking, curry-cooking boyfriend of his. Just hope the problem resolves quickly. I gave him so really extreme advices today on how to keep your man in line. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage up and even worse is when they do it willfully.
For the passed couple of week, Paul and I haven't been talking. We did like each other in the past and I thought that was over with when we didn't talk much in two or three weeks straight. He was so busy with school and work. The same went for me so we weren't really talking much except chatting ten seconds per day. Then I got a few calls from him asking about my next visit to L.A. I do miss my friends up there and his company, but I don't have a clear cut schedule of what I'll be doing each week. I hope I did though.
To be honest, I still really do care for Paul and I still do have some feelings leftover for him. The reason I lost interest in him was because our feelings plateaued. He doesn't know how to carry a relationship or to make it interesting but what he did was make a really strong, long lasting, first impression with me. He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I do have a soft spot for guys that are handicap in some areas in their life. Make that a very few because everyone thinks I'm an intolerable bitch.
Jin and I have been doing well this week compared to most weeks, but things are still pretty rocky and undefined. Everything is still in the air and I don't have an idea when we'll have a strong and stable relationship. Maybe it's just a matter of time until Jin and I are both on the same emotional level. Hopefully, that level isn't hatred or anything negative. After this week is over, I'm very fatigued with all the stress that has been going on in my life. My work, school, and social life has been a huge burden because no one has been cheerful. Everyone has been breaking up and at this point I just wish everyone happiness. Even if I'm the same... I think the world needs to cheer up and especially those individuals that I care so much about. Well good night world.
Poor Va-Jay-Jay has been feeling upsy and downsy lately thanks to the fucking asshole, motherfucking, curry-cooking boyfriend of his. Just hope the problem resolves quickly. I gave him so really extreme advices today on how to keep your man in line. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage up and even worse is when they do it willfully.
For the passed couple of week, Paul and I haven't been talking. We did like each other in the past and I thought that was over with when we didn't talk much in two or three weeks straight. He was so busy with school and work. The same went for me so we weren't really talking much except chatting ten seconds per day. Then I got a few calls from him asking about my next visit to L.A. I do miss my friends up there and his company, but I don't have a clear cut schedule of what I'll be doing each week. I hope I did though.
To be honest, I still really do care for Paul and I still do have some feelings leftover for him. The reason I lost interest in him was because our feelings plateaued. He doesn't know how to carry a relationship or to make it interesting but what he did was make a really strong, long lasting, first impression with me. He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I do have a soft spot for guys that are handicap in some areas in their life. Make that a very few because everyone thinks I'm an intolerable bitch.
Jin and I have been doing well this week compared to most weeks, but things are still pretty rocky and undefined. Everything is still in the air and I don't have an idea when we'll have a strong and stable relationship. Maybe it's just a matter of time until Jin and I are both on the same emotional level. Hopefully, that level isn't hatred or anything negative. After this week is over, I'm very fatigued with all the stress that has been going on in my life. My work, school, and social life has been a huge burden because no one has been cheerful. Everyone has been breaking up and at this point I just wish everyone happiness. Even if I'm the same... I think the world needs to cheer up and especially those individuals that I care so much about. Well good night world.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
46.5 MPG
That's right bitches! Don't be jealous because you don't have my god-like looks and body!
Such a Nuisance!
This is the third day that I've thought about Jason in a long time. As our anniversary approaches, the more immense these thoughts get. I just don't even remember the last time I spoke to him. I miss him a little, but these thoughts comes in and out. Sometimes when I'm at home, at work, waking up, or falling to sleep. One of the major concerns that I have is what if I change my number without telling him. He has no way to contact me nor does he know where I live. It's one of the last ways of holding onto him. Should I do it? Is it necessary? Could I do it? I've thought about the scenario where I would call him on our anniversary to say, "Hi," without telling him what day it was. That probably sounds like I haven't been able to let him go completely, and it's true. I still do care for him.
Maybe one day I'll wake up, and he'll just vanish from my thoughts. One can only dream...
Maybe one day I'll wake up, and he'll just vanish from my thoughts. One can only dream...
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