Anniversary Brings Diaster

Friday

I woke up late for school because once again I stayed up with Jin to play Perfect World. Jin was suppose to wake me up but completely forgot. I spent the day with Jin whilst he repeatedly asked me if he could go to a birthday party the very next night. My response was an obvious, "No," but he never ceases to disappoint me. I've been asking him to go to his house for a month because I want to speak to him where he could act comfortably instead of hiding his sexuality from his roommate by speaking with caution. I try not to mind that he's still downe, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating to not get the reply you want in a conversation. We played games to some hour of the night and we both fell asleep on the phone.

Saturday

I woke up before Jin called me that morning at 7:45 A.M. to get ready for work. While I was driving to work I called Jin and he accompanied me to go to work. He asked me again if he could go to the party and received the same answer. While I was at work, I got his text messages that he's going to a baby shower with his mom because she made him go. I believe if you're 19 years old you should be in control of your life. He didn't know the hosts of the baby shower so why bother going. I don't understand the logical reasoning that he's trying to project. When I rushed out of work, the first thing I did was call Jin to ask him what was going on, but he had already left to the train station to head over to the baby shower. I was sadden by his lack effort to stay with me and fulfill my request since it was our four months anniversary. Maybe he will surprise me tonight...

As midnight approached, I didn't receive a phone call from him until 1:00 A.M., but at that time it was too late. I rushed home from work for nothing. The day flew by so quickly. He didn't come home until 2:30 A.M. We played games until 5:00 A.M., and fell asleep on the phone. The deal for breaking his promise to stay home was to wake the both of us up at 1:00 P.M., so that the day wouldn't be wasted away.

Sunday

I woke up at 12:00 P.M., but I didn't wake up completely nor call Jin because I thought he'd be punctual today because I emphasized it so much. I fell back to sleep and I didn't wake up until 4:00 P.M. I felt disappointed. I wanted to give our anniversary another chance on Sunday, but there was barely 8 hours left in the day. What's there to cherish? I don't really know why I bothered with him. He called me and sounded sleepy. He apologized, but I've heard it so many times now that it wouldn't have made a dent into my emotions. I felt voided of all emotions except rage and disappointment. I finally asked him if he knew was yesterday was, but his response was a very stupid one. He told me, "Yesterday was Saturday and you had to work."

He missed our second month anniversary because he had to study for his exam, which I tried to be understanding. He didn't say anything until the very next day. Now that he missed the fourth month, there was only one thing I should have done. My first instinct was to just give up. I told him that the one request I asked was unfulfilled. He didn't leave me for any plausible reason. He started to cry softly. I also told him that he didn't just miss the fourth month anniversary, but forgot it as well. Then finally, I told him that he asked the dumbest question a boyfriend could ask. He wanted to go out to a party on our anniversary. Why could I bother anymore.

I'm wasting my time with him. I told him I want it to end. We should see other people. He asked me if he could continue speaking to me, but I felt like it would be redundant if we did continue. All we do is talk, then shouldn't a break up mean to stop talking? He asked me for equality. I spoke to all my ex-boyfriends after we broke up, but the sad fact is that none of them are really dependable. They're not in my life, and I don't talk to then often. He started to sob loudly. Then uncontrollably when I told him to speak. Then out of the blue, he asked to marry me. I thought he was ludacris to ask me this question. The obvious answer was no.

I could feel his heart break, and listen to the fear of being abandoned by a love one in his cries. At that moment it reminded me of an incident that I caused at 4:00 A.M., on December 27, 2007, I broke Jason's heart. I never forgave neither of us for parting so easily, but as time progressed, I learned to cope. I felt like I was doing this exact same thing to Jin. At that moment, I started to cry as well. Tears went down my face as I lie on my bed thinking of how I could just continue to scar the hearts of others, and especially those that I love. He kept saying please don't leave me, and in the midst of the break up I couldn't give him a yes or no answer. I just said I love you because that's what I felt during that split second.

He started to sob even loudly and his breathing became even more unstable. I gave him a few minutes to collect himself on his own but it didn't seem to go anywhere. I told him to stop crying and go wash his face. He still did as he was told. He still wanted to do what I wanted from him. He still was willing to give when I wanted to take away the love he cherished so dearly. After he came back, I told him that I will stay. I can't leave him. I just laid there with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms as tightly as possible so I could show him how much I love him. It was really hard to not express any physical affection because we both needed it desperately. I just wanted to reassure him so he would stop hurting. I told him to go play Perfect World so we could get our minds off of the near break up that we just had.

Throughout the day, we just spent every second with each other. I think we both got scared about thought of losing each other. Jin fell asleep on the phone while I stayed up to study for my midterm. In between my studying, Mrs. J tried to break up with his boyfriend as well, but just like me, it was unsuccessful. It's not the fear of being alone, but it's the fear of losing someone we love that kept us in our relationships. I just wish Mrs. J's relationship was more about the couple than the domineering boyfriend.

I thought that if I let him go, I'd have to spend a certain amount of time being single. I would never find anyone like him that would love me the way he loves me. I would have to rebuild another relationship that may end up badly. I would have to break another person's heart, and maybe even mine. Those were the realizations I made that day.