Crappy Thoughts

It's one of those nights again... I'm sitting here thinking about Jason. At first, I just took a glance at his profile because I've deleted all his pictures already, then I started to think about why I even love him. He's just like everyone else so I couldn't figure out what made him stick out. The further I went into thinking, the sadder I became until I had to call Jin to just hear somebody's voice to comfort me. I called Jin, but it's 6:00 A.M. his time. He picks up the phone but barely answers. As expected though because I'm being so unreasonable calling him at such late hours. Still, I'm sitting here knowing that there's no one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on so to speak. There's no one that would happily be there 24/7 for me. It's been more apparent to me lately, hence I always told myself that truth. Maybe I have grown bitter from passed relationships, and there's no one that I would want to trust.

It's just obvious to me that I'm still not over Jason because just looking at his picture makes me cry inside. I'm not comfortable telling my friends such intimate things or even less with family for that matter. I don't know when I'll be ready to open myself up again. I think my the passed relationship that Jason and I shared really screwed me up. I feel like a stalker looking at his picture this late in the middle of the night. I don't know anymore... I don't know if restricting myself from him is ever enough. I have been thinking of him less and less. Weeks go by without a single thought about him, but the last few days I just wanted to text him Merry Christmas. It's not about the text, but it's about why I'm texting him so I didn't text him. I think I'm still lingering to hold onto him some how. I could still remember his phone number, screen name, and many other ways to contact him even though it's been physically destroyed. Sadly, I still remember that Jason and I spent this last day together, and I broke up with him at 4:00 A.M. on December 27th, 2007. That's probably my mind reminding me that it's really over.

The last few days have been very blissful because I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything for three days. I didn't have any responsibilities or drama from people. I will remember this year's birthday and Christmas as a very good one.

*Note for friends: I haven't been depressed. I've just been overworked with working overtime. I have reasons for working so much, and there's no point in talking me out of it. I'm sorry to anyone that I haven't been in contact with or even bothered to reply. I'm going through a difficult phase when time flies by so fast. I'm trying to get rid of some feelings for someone that's very important to me, but somehow I believe I'm lying to myself by still talking to thatperson. Anyways, I know I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself so I'm apologizing to all of those people who cared enough to ask me how I am. I'm sorry if I didn't write back or showed you that I didn't care. Just know that I do care. Good night